Air Bud’s owner: There’s no rule in the book that says a dog can’t be on the court.
Chief Justice Roberts: *sigh* We’ll need his measurements for the robe.
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Them: you know what’s good for depression? Fish and nuts
Me: *slaps them around the face with a tuna and kicks them in the nuts
…you’re right, I do feel better now.
When someone says they love me to the moon and back, I tell them that’s only about 500,000 miles and I expect more tbh.
[Abruptly stops hula hooping] Not guilty, your Honor.
DR: So, you’re 36 years old, 4 foot tall & sound like a woman. How can I help you today, Mr Simpson?
BART: I don’t know where my hair starts
People are like snowflakes: I can’t talk to them.
me: I think I’m losing my marbles
proctologist: I’m finding them
Friend: You thinking what I’m thinking?
Me: It’s bullshit there weren’t schools from other continents in the Triwizard Tournament?
F: ….
Birthday sex is just having sex to celebrate your parents having sex.
Me: Push!
Grandkids: But, you’re heavy.
Me: What did the sign say?
Grandkids: No children in shopping cart :((
Me: Rules are rules.
Flight Attendant: Sir, you need to put your iPhone in airplane mode.
Me: We’ve been cleared for takeoff for twenty minutes. You need to put this airplane in airplane mode.
Acquaintance: If you could go anywhere in the world, where would you go?
Me: Into the Witness Protection Program.
Sometimes I think I have indigestion and gas but then I remember that Jesus lives inside us all.
I hate it when people go round quoting the bible. I haven’t even read it yet, but somehow folks think it’s cool to give key plot points away
Me: You’re such a good boy.
Dog: *tail wagging* Please leave the room so I can eat the couch.
Moms, teach your sons to mind their manners, cook a decent meal & look for inner beauty.
Dads, teach your daughters how to throw a punch.
Billboard just announced the song of the summer. It’s the sound of your spouse chewing.
“Hey, watch your mouth!” I yell at the woman in this park that’s just letting her pet mouth run around all willy nilly.
When a guy jokes about pms, you need to laugh along to show you’re a cool chick, but hold the laugh too long- so he gets scared.
Pac Man is my favourite video game about my life.
It keeps getting harder and I can’t stop eating everything in sight.
Being Tall:
Pros:
Can reach high things, feel like an Amazonian warrior.Cons:
“Wow, you’re tall!”
“Yes.”
*repeat for infinity*
Them: This is a knife for cutting cake
Me: [Laughing] Who actually cuts cake
Them:
Me: Oh
Him: A friend told me she had feelings for me but I had to tell her I had a TC and was very much in love. I know it hurt her but I couldn’t ever betray my girl.
Wife:
Who called it asking the waiter about the specials and not retrieving data from the server
People are impressed by the guy who arrives in a Ferrari.
But they remember the guy who shows up on a pogo stick.
*waves arm in the direction of the lake*
One day, all this will be yours.
12: Are you threatening to drown me?
Me: Just make your bed, k?
Some are mad Trump won.
Others are mad that the anti-Trumps are mad.
I’m mad that you open up a new bag of chips and it’s only 1/3 full.
The first step to forgiveness is acknowledging that the other person is a complete twat.
ANNOUNCEMENT: DENIM CLUB MEETING IS CANCELLED. AVERY RIPPED HIS JEAN VEST AT THE SUPERMARKET. HE’S OKAY, BUT VERY UPSET.
I don’t need money to buy happiness. I’m already happy. I just want the monies.