10-year-old: Did you learn cursive in school?
Me: I sure did.
10: Did you have electricity?
We learned by candlelight.
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I’m returning this head of lettuce. It tastes awful.
“Sir, that’s a loofah.”
Oh. I’m returning this loofah. Someone took a bite out of it.
i mainly don’t bother with botox or other injections because why pay a crapton of money to make me look like a slightly more rested version of my actual age when alcohol is cheap and makes me think i still have game
Just as the siren’s song lures sailors to their doom on the rocks, the ding of the microwave calls the unwitting to destroy the roof of their mouth on the molten cheese of the Hot Pocket.
Customer: did you know that when octopuses get mad they throw things at one another?
Me, slowly suspecting my ex might have been an octopus: you don’t say…
imagine if we could only post our deleted selfies in our dating app profiles. lol omg we’d all die alone.
A skunk got into my kitchen last night when I was cooking dinner and the smell was so bad he went right back out.
5: I want to do something no one else has ever done.
Me: Help me clean?
5: No. Something fun.
“Dad, are we pyromaniacs?”
” Yes, we arson.”
#HatDadJoke
Titanic, but with literally thousands of cats.
My iPod can hold over 3,000 songs, or one voicemail from my mom..
My 4yo just saw two people french kissing on TV and asked me why they were “eating each other,” so I’m open to suggestions here.
[zoom interview]
interviewer: what’s your background?
me: mainly sales and marketing but—
interviewer: no, I’m talking about that framed poster of the lady bunny from space jam
My dog is doing Saturday right by staying in bed until 1pm and shooting me a disapproving look every time my chores wake him up.
ME: All my life I’ve been judged. Quit doing drugs! Don’t sleep around!
JUDGE: We have the murder weapon.
ME: Again, with the judging.
ME: How are you?
“I can’t complain”
ME: Maybe you’re not trying hard enough
I don’t want a sensible dinner I want an imbecilic dinner
Tall girls might get modeling contracts but I can still ask for the high school student discount.
mom: what’s that internet thing called, “scream shitting”?
me: …
me: shitposting?
mom: SHITPOSTING.
“Bro check out that DILP.”
“Where? Wait what’s a DILP?”
“Dog I’d Like to Pet.”
I’m an introvert but also a narcissist so if you could find a way to praise and compliment me without having to talk to me, that’d be great
me: I got a cookie just for donating blood
friend: *woozily waking up* whose blood
I’ve been in Hawaii for a week & have learned that 99% of life’s problems can be solved by throwing a coconut at it
My son scared his sister while she was brushing her teeth
She turned around screaming and spit out the contents of her mouth all over his face
He started screaming in horror bc his mouth was open.
3 walked in and started screaming bc he wanted to join in
How was your morning?
Was helping my daughter with an art project and got so mad because nothing would stick together. Well, funny story, as it turns out no matter how much Chapstick you rub on that paper it’s just never gonna work.
My dad is helping me clean my apartment. He picked up my vr controller and asked “Do I wanna know what this is? I’m not judging”
Please send help, I’m am deceased.
Deep thought: When turkey police draw chalk outlines around the body do they notice how much it looks like a human hand?
[1st date]
HER: I’m such a nerd! I love when a guy talks sciency
HIM: Oh haha [to waiter] A salad with umm *sweating* kilo-island dressing
To the driver of the truck with the ENVYME vanity plate who took up two spaces and left me nowhere to park: Why would I envy someone with four freshly deflated tires?
After 2 days of dieting, I’m pleased to announce that I’ve decided to remain fat.