it’s sundress season and i have several dresses with pockets and and if you don’t think i’m gonna use them to carry spicy chicken nuggets and mini babybels, you are mistaken
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I would rather have a 100 poisonous spiders dumped on my naked body than a second date.
Me: So that’s a no?
Publisher: I’m just having a hard time caring about what happens to the main character.
Me: It’s an autobiography.
Publisher: If you kill her off and have the story focus on her love interest, people might actually read it. He seems great
I like to test the waters by pushing people in.
The place where you pour in the gas is the car’s gasshole.
ME: [knocks on neighbors door] I think I ran over your cat.
NEIGHBOR: What did the cat look like?
ME: *making face like I’m screaming* Like that.
Words are fun. A “bat” can be a piece of sports equipment or an animal. A “spirit” can be a ghost or a beverage. A “content” creator can be someone who creates videos or who walks around screaming all of the time.
Friend: u around this weekend
Me: yep
F: to help me move
M: uh one sec *fake hold music* hey yeah, that was my doctor, bad news, I have died
In the name of “Hell Kitty”, an army of children wages a bloody and unholy war.
“It was just a typo,” sobs Glenn, ex-Tshirt factory worker.
The question is not “Why is Instagram not working?”, but “Why does the world need another picture of you?” #instagramnotworking
Him: do you have a pen?
Me: yes. (walks away)
These true crime docs are fantastic but pretty soon Netflix is going to have to start murdering dudes just to keep up.
Me: I was just killing time
Arresting officer: Tim. His name was Tim
“Calzone” is just an Italian word to make you feel better about eating a Hot Pocket in public.
New relationship be like, “what you doing?” ….”just drinking water”…”ok darling plz be careful”
me: if ur soulmate dies before u meet them do u get like a backup soulmate
professor: i meant questions about the midterm
Me: How could you do this?
Her: I just felt like you needed to know
Me: I’ve completely lost trust
Her: I know this is hard
Me: But wrestling? Fake? I’m devastated.
Tall, fit, great hair, dazzling smile, good with kids, excellent swordsman, right-handed.
~ Captain Hook’s Tinder profile ~
I like my women with curves.
Those skinny ones are alway mad cause they’re hungry.
I just used one of those plastic grocery dividers to let my wife know exactly where the middle of the bed is.
i was a competitive fencer in high school and spent 20+ hours a week training and many weekends at tournaments, which absolutely destroyed any chance of a social life. thats right. i can literally say “when you were partying, i studied the blade”
I started working for a paycheck 30 years ago last month & my jaw has been clenched ever since.
*Abandons ship*
*Ship gets adopted*
*Tracks down ship in adulthood*
*Ship is happy and wants nothing to do with me*
I met my amazing husband in my 30s on OkCupid and you can too! I don’t think he ever deleted his profile
[table of 6 year olds in lab coats]
How are we supposed to find a cure for cooties if we
*bangs fist on table*
CAN’T EVEN FIND WALDO?!
Oh, you’re 19 and have abs? Yeah you’re supposed too. You haven’t been alive long enough to get fat.
Remember how much you used to like this song?- Car ads.
I want my tombstone to say “Actually, i’m feeling much better”
I wonder if a murderer has ever crossed my path, contemplated murdering me, and then thought “nah”.
Today is the birthday of Erwin Schrödinger, best known for being the world’s worst cat sitter.
*died in your arms tonight*
*stuffed in your trunk tomorrow*
*buried in the woods the day after that*