I carry one of those tiny Swiss Army knives with me at all times. You never know when you’ll need a tiny blade to thwart an attacker.
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Justin Timberlake postponing his Buffalo show Sat. & then going on Fallon is like that time I called in sick & tweeted a selfie on a boat.
A man has been jailed for forging banknotes.
He also got a big fine which he immediately paid in crisp $9 notes.
Deacon: Remember when you said you were open to ideas to get new members?
Pastor: Yes, why do you ask?
Deacon: How do you feel about knives?
If you’re reading this & I’m married to you…
I’m locked out. Come let me in.
Spring is what we call the time in between complaining about the cold and complaining about the heat
Apparently all my new nephew wants to do is eat and sleep…which means he’s already a lot like me.
I never believed in reincarnation before but… Dad?
[enter password]
ForrestGump
[password not strong enough]
ForrestGumpAfterHeGrewThatSweetBeard
im an adult! i make my own bedtimes! i’ll stay up all night and function at a fraction of my capacity! like a giant grown-up lethargic baby!
What they don’t tell you about marriage is that between year 5 and 15, your wife will record you snoring in the night, and then present it to you like it’s evidence in a murder trial.
am i a vampire? i :
– look great in black
– won’t come to your home unless formally invited
– avoid natural sunlight at all costs
– will die if stabbed through the heart with a stake
Hear me out….
A pub crawl, but to bakeries.
My ear is bleeding because I tried to shave it. Now I have to create some elaborate lie to tell ppl how I cut my ear.
Last night my mom made dinner, serving up a nice plate of “You had so much potential” with a steaming side of “You shoulda married Jeff.”
[at an interview]
Interviewer: what’s your greatest strength?
Me: I get along well with others
Interviewer: your greatest weakness?
Me: I use a lot of duct tape
H: “Whatcha doing?”
Me: “Going on twitter to hang out.”
H: “Twitter is an app, not a place.”
Me: *whispers venomously* “Is too a place!!”
Me: My weight is up. I really hate winter.
Him: Don’t be discouraged. You’ll bounce back in spring once you shave your legs.
Overheard at work:
Mom to her little daughter: “what’s that in your hair? Is that a piece of chicken nugget??”
Little girl, very excitedly: “YEAH!”
At dinner my husband hollered, “I’m going to run off to a place where I’m appreciated!”
My daughter: Don’t take my Barbie backpack.
My son: Can someone pass the butter?
My mother: You married her.
[CREATING GROUNDHOGS]
GOD: a rat dog
ANGEL: check
GOD: that whispers to white people
ANGEL: what?
GOD: about the weather
ANGEL:
I feel it
I can’t wait to sleep in
My bladder: lmao
ME FEAR ME (Women want fish)
The new guy at work has been getting a lot of customer complaints lately.
Probably because I wear his name tag when he’s not there.
one of my favorite Halloween memories was trick or treating and a very stoned dude in his 20’s opened the door and was like “oh man I forgot it was today. Let me see if I have anything for you” and then I hear him going through his pantry and he goes “do you like soup”
The most useful lesson I learned from my cat is if somebody puts clothing on you, just freeze and flop over on your side.
Of course introverts lie, how do you think we get jobs.
We get it, Japan.
All of your cats can skateboard.
2015: This is our son, Aiden.
2016: This is our son, Lemonaiden.
Don’t make my same mistake. See the signs. Make a change.