I’m ready for work early! Now to lay back in bed so I can still rush out the door and be 2 minutes late like god intended
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They should make fortune cookies with more obtainable fortunes:
You will vacuum the living room.
You will run into the coffee table.
Staring out into the horizon..
Me: this is so peaceful, tranquil & romantic
[Bf holding up a stuffed lion]
Bf:Ah zabenya za dabib du da
Ouija™ board by Milton Bradley – because if anyone can bridge the gap between the living and the dead, it’s the folks who brought you Hungry Hungry Hippos.
don’t give me a cake pop unless it comes with a map that leads me to the rest of the cake, you piece of shit
and on the 8th day, god created a website for u to meet the hot christian singles in ur area
“911 what’s your emergency?” MY WIFE IS BEATING MY KIDS! “Okay. I’ll send the police” *hangs up. OH CRAP I FORGOT TO SAY “AT MARIOKART”
VILLAIN: Hello, Mr. Bond. I’ve been expecting-
BOND: OMG congrats! How far along are you?
V: What? No-
B: Have you picked out a name yet?
I hope the world needs to be saved from the apocalypse with video game skills so my teen’s entire life won’t have been a complete waste.
There’s aggressive driving and then there’s a parent who is late for a school drop off driving.
6: *Being particularly affectionate at bedtime*. Mommy, do you want a back massage?
Me: Sure, buddy! My back is sore. That would be nice.
6: Maybe because you’re getting old, mommy.
In case you needed a reminder about how brutally honest kids can be.
It took 3 employees to help me complete “self-checkout” today.
I like how Alexander Graham Bell invented phones, crackers, and ringers.
Therapist: Do you think it’s ok to cry?
Me: Sure. Like if you have to go to Costco on a Saturday.
Right about now, family members all over the country are realizing the Starbucks cards I gave them for Christmas are empty.
WIFE: Let’s role-play
ME: OK
W: U be a teacher
*I get up & leave*
W: Where u going?
M: Do u have ANY idea how much paperwork I’ve got to do?
* charges phone.
Phone: wrong hole.
Never underestimate what a woman will do for love.
Son: Mom
Son: Mom
Son: Mom
Son: Mom
OUIJA BOARD: F F S W H A T ???
Son: Have you seen my other shoe?
*waits for a sign*
*dead bird falls from sky*
*waits for another, better sign*
I can’t be the only one that sees the day when
a direct message from a catfish is called carp DM.
You say tomato, I say summertime snowball.
[arriving at the international space station]
other astronaut: so how are things down there
me: a bit chafed tbh
If watermelon exist why doesn’t earthmelon,firemelon and airmelon? The elemelons.
If it says “typing” for more then 2 minutes… you’re gonna have a bad time.
Donuts are beautiful creatures and they deserve their own week on the nature channels.
On all dating sites, my profile name is Chupacabra, and my profile picture is a Chupacabra, which surprisingly does not deter men at all.
REMINDER: It’s almost March.
Don’t forget to to take down your gum disease decorations.
Millennial: what’s crackalackin’?
Me: my knees, my shoulder, my neck, and my back
Ichabod Crane in the streets the headless horseman in the sheets