Our roofer is concerned (long story) that “our little ones might eat mulch.” I’m more concerned he’s seeing little ones I don’t know about.
You Might Also Like
Elephant 911: What’s ur em-
Elephant: MOUSE
Elephant 911: WHERE
Elephant: FLOOR
Elephant 911: JUMP ON THE TABLE
[table breaking noises]
Love a good morning stretch that turns into an involuntary pterodactyl screech
“Okay, Bill, now you’re making it awkward.”
A “cup of Joe” has a completely different meaning at the sperm bank
ppl always judge adam & eve for listening to the talking serpent but u never hear a single person say anything about dr doolittle
Put your family down and pay attention to your phone.
michael jordan’s parents really named him after a shoe
This guy at the gym just did 3 sets of selfies.
DUI checkpoint cop: sir, have u been drinking tonight
me: define sir
Not to brag but I’m never late for work without a good reason. For example this week my boss is on vacation…
Mom of newborn: They say the crying gets better after seven weeks.
Newborn: *cries*
Me: *cries better*
God: got bears?
Noah: Yup
God: got birds?
Noah: Ya
God: Unicorns?
Noah: Um… the bears ate them
God: WHAT
Noah: IT’S A LOGISTICAL NIGHTMARE
I like to piss my husband off by using the switch right beside me rather than screaming at devices all over the house in codes I can’t a remember and a voice they don’t listen to, recognize, or understand just to turn one goddamn living room lamp on.
Accidentally went grocery shopping on an empty stomach and now I’m the proud owner of aisle 7.
Every year, falling coconuts kill more people than shark attacks, but the families of the shark victims are less embarrassed.
Me sneaking to the kitchen at 2am to get a peanut butter bar
You can totally cheat during board games with your kids if after 30 minutes, there is no end in sight. I’m looking at you Chutes and Ladders!
4yo: Mommy? Mommy? Mommy? MOMMY? MOMMY? MOMMY?
Me, a Dad: Yeah???
4: …
4: MOMMY!!!
I pull my pants and underwear down to my ankles when I pee at a urinal and when I drink at a water fountain
My favorite sex move is the reverse fire fighter. That’s where you get him all hot & then climb out the window & drive away in his truck.
Microwave safe? It doesn’t seem like a sensible place to keep your valuables.
Dad, did you let the parrot name me?
– Haha, no that’s ridiculous, Brock.
Are you ok?
– my 6yo watching me put the sheets on her bunk bed.
Guy at the Supermarket: Excuse me sir, do you want to donate to Diabetes?
Me: No, thank you. I’m opposed to Diabetes.
Pro tip: Wearing an 18th century corset really weeds out the quitters
i just want a guy i can call papi (not in the grandpa way)
I had 13 items in the 12 items or less line, so I just put a banana in my pocket.
You shouldn’t judge people. What if that bloke outside your window with a clown mask and knife is just a chef that lost his way.
Ritually cleansing* the new house
*taking down the previous owner’s live laugh love decals