Husband: Why are there two broken condoms on the backseat?
Wife: Please stop calling our kids that.
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He thinks the stuffed animals in my room are creepy, but I can’t think of a cuter way to hide all those cameras.
*knocks over a huge display at the grocery store*
(raises arms in the air)
Ta-da!
Fact: In the 80s nobody could have sex until someone started playing a saxophone.
*puts on sports bra*
Well, that’s enough exercise for today…
It’s almost like those two bowls of chili made me sleepy
Turns out that when asked which was my favourite of all the X-Men that “Caitlyn Jenner” was not a valid answer.
*walks into a restaurant*
Waiter: Sir, I have Stewed Liver, Boiled Tongue & Frog’s Legs.
Me: Enough bout your problems. Get the Menu Card
The Shining is on…
…can’t decide if I should watch it or just keep living it.
Little Caesar’s is really missing out by not doing a “Sides of March” deal on Crazy Bread.
The baby bites me a lot cuz she’s teething and fine, whatever, but just now she followed it up with some loud air chewing like she thought she was actually eating me and that was appropriate.
“Are you sexually active?”
No
“Any drug use?”
No
*doctor laughs, does the jerk off motion and leaves*
Me: got my fries just gonna open this packet of ketchup.
Ketchup Packet: haha nope.
Me: come on man please.
Ketchup Packet: use your teeth.
Me: uh what?
Ketchup Packet: use. your. teeth.
Me: ugh fine.
[ketchup explodes everywhere]
Ketchup Packet: lol.
On some level I’ve always known that caterpillars drink dewdrops. But I never sat down to think about it while crossing the street before.
Having your stuff stolen is the heist form of flattery
My former lover describes his beloved: “She’s amazing in a hundred different ways.” My guy describes me: “Chatty.”
My mom when I opened up a bag of candy in the backseat of the car.
*drops my 13 year-old daughter off at a friend’s house*
*picks her up when she turns 20*
People: Coronavirus is the worst thing that could have happened in 2020.
Murder hornets: Hold my stinger.
me: a weirdo broke into my house
cop: are you positive it was a weirdo
me: they stole all my jeff goldblum spoken word poetry albums so you tell me
They say using smaller plates will help you eat less.
It took 3 of them to hold my dinner, not sure how this is helping.
At my funeral, I want a giant glitter bomb to go off.
It will celebrate my life while ensuring that no one will forget me, since glitter will cling to them forever.
[me, trying to join a conversation about Game of Thrones] oh man, there are just so many thrones, I don’t have a favorite really
People come into your life for a reason. It’s annoying
My friend and I had a running joke. She said let’s do a marathon and then we both laughed.
I used to accidentally repeat stories to my friends a lot but now I just say “I think I’ve already told you this” and say it again anyway
Lavender is my latest aromatherapy love, but it’ll be awhile before anything makes me forget about rubber cement.
I know that when my husband gets home late tonight he’s going to eat all the chips so this leaves me with no choice but to eat all the chips first
Male penguins travel 50 miles by foot in subzero temperatures to mate but ok, thanks for these flowers I guess
Person drinking Smart Water: It’s like I’m being smart about what I put in my body.
Me, mouth full of Smartees: We’re so much alike.