I’m giving up being Catholic for Lent.
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My kids can’t play at your house because they might begin to think laundry doesn’t live on the couch.
My body language is more audible than visual.
*stomach growls
First day as a drug dealer. Made a ton of sales. Boy are people forgetful, they all left their wallets at home.Gonna be rich tomorrow though
Happy 5 year anniversary to the photo frames sitting on the floor of my bedroom waiting to be hung up “when I get a minute”.
My 12 year old sent me an email asking permission to spend a no school day at a friend’s house. I wish I could post the whole thing but I’ll just share the introductory paragraph.
Witch: Rapunzel, Rapunzel, let down your hair!
Rapunzel: … Why tho
Witch: I wanna climb the tower
Rapunzel: Have you- have you seen the news? It’s close quarters up here
Witch: C’mon I gotta talk to you
Rapunzel: Can I just drop you a Zoom link
OMG. I saw Leonardo da Vinci trending and thought he died.
My husband bought a steamer because I don’t iron. I wonder how long it’s going to take him to figure out that I don’t steam?
[typing in parental control pin]
5: why do you go so fast? I’m trying to see it. I know it ends with 3, 4 but nothing I’ve tried works
Text your dad “egg salad sandwich” four times in one day. He’ll probably think his phone is broken.
I like to intentionally barge into guys wearing camo and then look around bewildered like I have no idea what I just ran into.
*wears an “Only God Can Judge Me” t-shirt to court*
Never been more fit than the semester after my college bf dumped me…hey JP got a beach vacation comin up mind doin it again
I’m NOT ashamed of my body. I worked hard for athletic build, healthy brown hair, 4 gorgeous legs, strong neck, big wet nose, clip clop feet
If you wanna win a battle in the Middle Ages best be sure someone’s playing the bagpipes.
A confidential source has informed me that the earth is gonna hatch
kid: mom, have you seen my bag of candy?
mom: i ate it
kid: what?! mom i walked 7 blocks for that
mom: *glaring* i was in labor for day and a half when i had you
kid: oh god no i-
mom: *stepping closer* i pooped on the doctor’s hand
It’s no coincidence that those really terrifying scenes in horror movies often use children’s voices
The nine most terrifying words in the English language are: I’m from the government and my name is Dracula
Bruce Wayne: hey, how would you like to take a ride in my batmobi—I mean…brucemobile?
Date: uhh
Bruce: my regular normal carmobile
Years ago, scientists knew barely anything about space! It was probably because those scientists were babies
me: anybody see how my deck was damaged?
him: chainsaw
me: then Chain needs to tell
“Can you veegle your toes for me? Veegle your toes.” – Dracula, ER doctor
No generation will ever be joked about as much as millennials.
Gen Z: Hold my tide pod…
Her: My name is Katherine but you can call me Bunnie!
Me: No, Katherine. I don’t believe I can.
My idiot future husband is out there somewhere pushing a pull door. I just know it.
Things changed for the better for Harry and Ginny’s marriage once they mastered the difficult “Turgidic Maximus” charm
Why don’t they just call what pallbearers do “The Deadlift”?
The lid on our bottle of glitter is not childproof. I know this now.
It’s weird that ‘coward’ doesn’t mean
“towards a cow”.*sips wine*