So many people recognized me with my mask on that I had to cross Bank Robber off my list of career options
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Wife: Have you seen my curling iron?
Me: …umm, are you talking about the hotdog bun warmer?
Wife: …
Me: No, I have not seen it.
I signed up to bring fruit for my toddler’s holiday party at daycare. It turns out the class’s favorite fruit is blueberries which need to be cut into quarters, and I should have signed up to bring cookies.
My Sentiments Exactly
Told my coworker to shut up or I would slash his tires. He laughed, I laughed. Now I’m by his car with a knife and I can hear sirens. 🙁
[carrying too many items]
store clerk: would you like a basket
me: no thanks my arms are full
my perfume shop will have selections like eau de fresh bread, eau de sizzling bacon or eau de piping hot coffee
my boyfriend and i met in a new york city publishing office a few years ago, and this christmas, he’s taking me to his hometown to meet the family, where i will for sure find out that, as a brunette who is dedicated to her job, i’m actually the villain of this movie
Every time the grocery baggers ask if I want help to my car, I feel like telling them yes and climbing in the cart.
Tinder isn’t a babysitting app. Apologies to Crystal and Janine for the misunderstanding.
*Friend sees my knuckle tats*
F: ‘MMA4LYFE,’ really?
*I put my fists by my English prof’s ‘OXFORDCO’ knuckle tats*
*we start break dancing*
Gave my family the wrong address for our beach rental. Hoping to get a couple days in before they find me.
olive garden host: welcome to ol-
me: [inhales deeply] i’m ready to help guard the olives
TUESDAY. The day you realize that nothing can stop you, because you are a MAGIC SKELETON packed with MEAT and animated with ELECTRICITY and IMAGINATION. You have a cave in your face full of sharp bones and five tentacles at the end of each arm. YOU CAN DO ANYTHING, MAGIC SKELETON
When something is boring we shouldn’t call it vanilla. Vanilla is a rich and complex flavor. When something is boring should call it “red velvet.”
My coworker carries around a rosary in his hand so that if he gets caught sleeping he can say he was praying
[at KFC]
“One bargain bucket please”
“ok sir, and would you like any sides?”
“Yes please, otherwise the chicken will fall out”
I just bedazzled my twitter handle on a jean jacket in case anybody wants to beat me up in person.
That awkward moment when mom says 3 is the perfect number of kids to have, but you’re her 4th
Husband and I reminiscing about the time I texted him on my way home:
“Can you start cooking those sausages?” Then added < 3 as a cute little heart.He cooked 2 sausages.
I spent a solid 10 minutes lecturing my kid about not writing on the couch with a pen and she said “It’s a marker not a pen.”
My wife says the sweetest things in the morning like”Love you,” & “DID YOU SERIOUSLY EAT ALL THE COOKIE DOUGH FOR BREAKFAST WHAT IS WRONG WI
There’s a fine line between confidence and delusion and I ride that shit like a bear on a unicycle.
“We have nothing to fear but fear itself.”
-People who have never seen a flying cockroach
my favorite part about gambling is if you lose money you can just bet again and double the stakes and win your money back! it’s called strategy
I think LGBT sounds too much like a sandwich.
7yo son: Mom, can you hand me a tissue so I can blow my nose?
Me: Is it already—
7: It’s already on my finger, yes.
told my husband I was going to start eating healthy again and he went and bought girl scout cookies like someone who doesn’t value his life
✌️
CANADIAN: im a canadian
DATE: cool i’ve never met a comedian befor
CANADIAN: [is too polite to corect them, dedicates entire life to comedy]
Cop: Do you know why I pulled you over?
Me: Because my tires look like donuts?
Cop: Get out