Science: Domesticated dogs are most closely related to gray wolves.
My dog: I won’t go outside because it looks damp.
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The reviews for Cats are in (17% on rotten tomatoes), and they are spectacular.
I consider anything that doesn’t fit in the dishwasher to be for one time use.
[ alone in a dark cemetery ]
me: marco
Who wants a McKnuckle sandwich?
Do mens sneezes get louder and louder as they age until they explode?
(Guy who has only seen Les Miserables and Aladdin watching a third movie) When does he steal the bread?
I don’t get to work from home but that won’t stop me from showing up in my bathrobe.
Damn girl clean ur room before u paint a selfie
God: *creates a cat* how’re you feline little guy?
Cat:
God:
Cat:
God: *creates dogs*
by milkshake she means trash and by boys she means raccoons and it’s a real problem in that neighborhood
Between hating pork and launching themselves into enemy structures, Al Qaeda were the original Angry Birds.
Boss (about to fire me): I don’t know how to tell you this
Me: *suddenly behind boss, whispering in his ear* Try using your mouth, genius
I didn’t forget your birthday I just forgot today’s date.
-me, forgetting your birthday
6yo: “Mom, Mom! I got to the number 200.”
Me: “Wow! Great job counting.”
6yo: “Thanks, I want to get to 300 stickers on the floor!”
Me: “Wait, what?”
I always draw track marks on my arms and cough a lot when visiting family so that no one asks me to hold their baby or help prepare food.
the only thing i remember from my time in school is the teacher explaining to my 8yo self, the difference between desert and dessert. “you always want two desserts and that’s why there are two s’s”
*notices one of my own hairs on my dog*
WELL IT SEEMS THE TABLES HAVE TURNED
Me: I’m shy
Tequila: Not anymore
I once dated a girl so my pet rock wouldn’t be embarrassed after he threw himself at her window.
All microwaveable popcorn packages should be accompanied by dental floss
My wife will be like, “gut reaction, yes or no?”
And then show me two shades of beige paint I can’t even tell are different.
*hangs out at graveyard*
I like older men.
Me: did you know that abbreviating names can be really confusing?
GF: really?
Me: yeah
George Foreman: that’s interesting
Me: I’m not watching that movie. It got 3 stars.
Also me: *watches the roomba chase down a dorito for 45 minutes*
me and the Superbowl rn
Health status:
Moved on from WebMD and now watching House for any ideas.
People who race to pull out in front of me and then go below the speed limit, explain yourselves.
Ladies, if he:
– only wants to hang out when he’s drunk
– never brings you around his friends
– fingers on his head
– no legs or feet
– always trying to sell you pastaHe’s not your man. He’s the hamburger helper glove
Despite its deceivingly yummy smell, this bar of oatmeal almond soap tastes just like soap.
My secret to making condoms more comfortable is telling men how badly I want a baby