My daughter just started a question with: So mom, you’ve been old for a really long time…
I don’t know what the rest of the question was, I stopped listening after “long time”
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Standing on the corner with a cardboard sign that says ‘will work around red flags.’
My friend got a tattoo of his wife’s name so I guess he loves her as much as he loves barbed wire.
[first episode of tv show]
Guy: Hi
Guy’s friend of 25 years: You’ve been my friend for 25 years
If you’re going to throw someone under the bus, make sure it’s moving.
While presenting on a work conference call I imagine everyone nude so I don’t feel like the only one.
Wanna know my secret to rock hard abs? I ride the mechanical duck outside the grocery store 300 times a day.
Monica just destroyed the internet
I cried when my dentist told me I needed two implants and a crown because I can finally realize my dream of being a sexy princess.
Cats are weird. They look at you like they want to set you on fire then look all surprised when you toss them into the ceiling fan.
The best part about Halloween is seeing people in costume doing normal shit. Just saw a Dracula standing by a car eating potato chips.
[having helped prep some pistachios while my wife spends two hours putting together the rest of the meal] How about those nuts, huh? You can really taste the deshelling
Women’s deodorant: Spring Breeze, Lilac, Gentle Sunshine.
Men’s deodorant: Sport, Mountain, Forest Fire, Rage, Fistfight, Childhood Angst.
If you ever see me cleaning out my car in the middle of winter, it’s because I have drugs missing.
I can relate to Eminem because I’m also a black man trapped in a white woman’s body.
Just saw a rainbow………great now the sky is gay
Police: Sir, you account is hacked.
Me: Twitter?
Police: No, bank account.
Me: Oh, thank god !!
if you text me “we need to talk” i’m gonna reply “yes we do” now we both stressed
Used to be, bugs knew their place. Spring, summer, fall, but they gave us winter. Today’s bugs are not honorable.
Piñatas give kids unrealistic expectations of how much candy spills out of a donkey when you split one open
A cactus is just a cucumber going through a punk phase.
Normal people eating: *CRUNCH* *SLURP* *GULP* 🙂
Me eating: If I make any noise at all whilst eating people might judge me and I MIGHT DIE
Every time my parents buy my kids a loud toy, I submit their phone number to a mortgage refinancing company.
4-year-old: What’s that?
Me: A vegetable you won’t like. If you don’t tell Mom, I’ll take it from you.
*eats her bacon*
Getting all my homies to like my enemies bad tweets so they’re socially conditioned to tweet worse
Just sayin’ cowboys are gonna have to pick a side when the shit goes down between cows and boys.
I wear the same outfit for 3 days but when I’m going away for 3 days I pack enough clothes for 7 days just in case my personality completely changes while I’m gone.
You can learn a lot from a woman wielding a knife. For example, your top running speed.
My kids just took a DNA test…turns out they’re 100% not listening.
4: Mama, I’m not feeling so good.
Me: What’s wrong baby girl?
4: I haven’t had spaghetti for so long my stomach misses it. Listen, *puffs up belly* you can hear my tummy cry.
[blind date]
HER: i love classic rock
ME: (trying to impress) i’ve been to Stonehenge