To the twelve people who are always liking my tweets:
Do you want something from the gas station?
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The year is 3426, all of humanity is extinct. Supernatural is somehow still on every week with new episodes.
Interview Tip: When you get the “where do you see yourself in 5 years” question, don’t say “post-apocalyptic tribal warlord”.
6: I’m hungry
Me: Well it’s almost dinner time so no snacks right now
6: If it’s almost dinner why aren’t you in the kitchen?
Husband: Oh no
“I hate karaoke.”
“It’s pronounced kah-rah-oh-keh.”
“Now, I hate you too.”
They should make erasers for Crayons called “Crayoffs”.
Relationship status:
I’ve put my ear hair in braids.
Get at me.
You: Would you like a keto burger?
My Anaconda: No.
to the scum photoshopping bandanas on my wedding photos, STOP. my wife has a bad memory & is in tears, she thinks she married a bandana guy
*runs out of toilet paper*
“Good bye, infinity scarf”
5yo: dad how many teeth do I have to lose to buy a tv?
Me: *doing zero math* uh like a thousand
5yo: do I have a thousand teeth?
Me: haha not quite
5yo: *just glares at his little brother*
“Dave’s coming for dinner tonight.”
“Dave from work or Dave who misquotes Disney…?”
[from outside]
“…hakuna banana.”
Today, I want to talk about petting a cat with wet hands and why that’s no good for your hands or the cat.
ME: So when you’re saying mass is it the real you or are you using your altar ego lol
PRIEST: *rolling up his sleeves* Forgive me Lord for what I am about to do
He had the strength of ten men and the confidence of twelve morons.
if one member of the motorcycle gang has to pee do they all stop or does he just have to catch back up?
Today was amazing. I actually had meaningful conversations with my teenagers. We discussed world events, we made eye contact, we truly communicated. I felt so blessed. Like a really good parent.
Then I heard one of them ask, “Is Instagram back up yet?”
WIFE: let’s get a rhododendron
ME: I hate dinosaurs no thanks
WIFE: it’s not a dinosaur
ME: What is it?
WIFE: it’s hard to describe without a thesaurus
ME: I said no dinosaurs
I only look good from one angle and if someone could please tell me what that angle is I’d be grateful
I opened my front door and saw a coyote in the yard and said “Oh, sorry” and closed the door like I’d walked in on an unlocked bathroom stall.
Me: what’s the weather like?
Mom: just open the door and find out
Me: *opens cargo hatch and is sucked out of airplane* it’s
W
I
N
D
ᴰ
ʸ
ʸ
ʸ
Life starts with everyone cheering when you poop and goes drastically down hill from there.
Picture someone stepping down off a curb that they didn’t realize was there. Now you can say you’ve seen me dance.
“I keep waking up at 2:04 every night”
— my 7YO describing what I can only assume is the beginning of our family’s real-life horror story.
Gonna match donations for bail funds up to $100 today. Post your receipts in the comments and I’ll post my match.
Wanted: One (1) flat earther to be my friend so I can talk to you when I’m down and you can tell me my belly is actually flat.
No weirdos.
“I have no porpoise!” -existential marine biologist.
man cave? she shed? no no. im in my theysement
Q: What’s the safest place to be during a North Korean missile strike?
A: The place they are aiming at.
Cop: do you know why I pulled u over?
Me: yeah, I was going like 120 back there
Cop:….
Me:..
Cop: sir, your tailamp is out
Me:…
My friends most commonly describe me as “who?”