God: remember when I went to the bathroom and left you alone in my office?
Lion: yes.
God: did you uh do anything while I was gone?
Lion: no why?
[Mountain Lion, Sea Lion and Lionfish peek around the corner]
God: I guess I’ll delete them then.
Lion: ThEY aRe My cHiLdREn!
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DRACULA: I vant to suck your blood.
ME: “Want.”
DRACULA: Vant.
ME: Wan—it’s a W.
DRACULA: Okay, my intent is clear, and the pronunciation is clearly cultural, so, this is starting to feel racist.
I know you’re not supposed to hug the old lady giving out samples at Costco, but the sausage she gave me had cheese inside. Cheese.In.Side.
It’s terribly sad, but the fact that the graphic had to be added is due to the shockingly low literacy rate among geese.
Me: I have this severe pain in my elbow for a few days
Dr: *examines me* Looks like you have acute tendonitis
Me: Aw thanks but where is that pain coming from?
My whole life I would put old bananas in the trash but when I got married I learned that first they go in the freezer to sit for a long time and then they go in the trash.
Benedict Cumberpatch’s full name is Benedictionary Cucumbercabbagepatch.
There’s 7 million people in this world and you think I’m gonna let one customer with a bad attitude to ruin my day??? damn right I am I’ll probably even go cry in the freezer too
#OnMyPetsChristmasList
More red dots please
Trying to convince a kid, no matter the age, that they’re tired, is like trying to tell a drunk they’re drunk. Denial & anger will follow.
Never confuse a colostomy bag with a whoopie cushion.
Totally ruined Grandpa’s 90th birthday.
If you are a seagull living in a Walmart parking lot in Wisconsin maybe you need to work on getting your shit together.
no, babe. i haven’t seen your glasses.
nurse:how do u rate ur pain
me: zero stars
nurse: what
me: would not recommend
me: i can’t remember my password
my brain: how about an embarrassing memory
I swear to god if my memory was any worse I could *bonk* WHO THREW THAT BOOMERANG?
The most unrealistic part of cooking shows is when they have enough room in their fridge to fit an entire baking sheet.
the fossil record doesn’t preserve skin so there’s no proof dinosaurs didn’t have tattoos
“Daddy I lost my popsicle” and other terrifying things my kids say.
a guy told me his name was Drazen earlier and he did not appreciate me asking if that was short for dried raisin
Alex: This term indicates a zero score in tennis.
Contestant: What is love?
*dance party erupts*
Honesty is the best policy, unless you’re trying to return something that you’ve already worn.
once i complete this philosophy degree it’s over for you Nietzsches
Nobody deserves to look that peaceful sleeping. SLAP.
I hate being an adult … I thought it was just a phase.
Science fact: If you took a human intestinal tract and stretched it from the Earth to the Moon, you would definitely get fired from NASA.
Productive day sketching while waiting at the DMV.
[first day as a masseuse]
Me: [closing book] “…& they all lived happily ever after”
Customer: “That’s not what I meant by ‘happy ending'”
me: my boss is working me to the bone
my dog: hell yeah
I like that parents of every generation have collectively agreed to keep the “a special chemical will turn the water (arbitrary contrast color) if you pee in the pool” lie going.
Major milestone today — found my first grey pubic hair!
But once I picked it out, the burger tasted pretty decent.