Today, my 3 year-old yelled at me because I forgot to close the fridge, then reminded me to turn off the kitchen light.
He just needs to fall asleep during a movie and his transformation into me would be complete.
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They call it “childbirth” lest anyone think that women give birth to adults or kangaroos.
“I’d totally have sex with that guy if he just roared his engine louder!”
-nobody
Her: I just saw my parents having sex on the couch.
Me: Please tell me that’s a drink…
The 4th little pig built his house into a windmill. The wolf huffed and puffed and generated enough power to last the whole winter.
Ghosts who are trying to quit smoking chew spirit gum
Once it’s in the oven I don’t really care why the chicken crossed the road.
major respect for dracula, dude been coughing into his sleeve for decades already
Jumped off the couch so fast when the microwave dinged that I’m now eligible for the draft.
women love to see the veins in a man’s arm. it shows he runs on blood, and not something more sinister
If I say something happened “the other day” that could mean any time after 1994
My cat is smarter than I am but I’m brighter than most plants, so I feel like I’m holding my own.
[frog-condom sales meeting]
frog 1: our numbers are down, how can we make the condom more enjoyable for our customers?
frog 2: rib it
frog 1: Andrew, you’re a goddamn genius
Cop: why were you speeding
Me: Out of POLITENESS to the car behind me
I did my spring cleaning, I now only have 14 contacts in my phone lol
I’m going for a run. I have some severely unused sexual energy and tension I need to pound out.
I should be back in about eight days.
You two just need to get out more.
– Me, giving Abe Lincoln relationship advice
I’ll call it smartphone when it slaps me in the face before sending a text to an ex.
Cop ~ Do you know how fast you were going sir ?
Me ~ Uhhh …. Roughly about the same as you
Cop ~ Get out
Him- I’ll have a lemona…
Me- He’ll have water with lemon, and I will too. Extra lemon please.
Server- Ahh, yes, the free lemonade.
I dropped my popcicle in the tub. I’m awfully sad. It was banana. Now it just tastes like bubble bath.
we planned to renew our vows but my wife got cold feet so we are just regular married still
[doesn’t moisturize for three nights in a row]
Welp, I guess I’m ready for Halloween now.
Me: My book was translated for the UK.
Wife: They speak English.
Me: *looks at the 1000 times they changed “stroller” to “buggy”* Sort of.
“every family has that one huge weirdo”
“NOT MY FAMILY!” I shout as I quickly exit the room, my six ducks on leashes in hot pursuit.
Common crooks Rob banks. Classy thieves Robert banks.
Can you imagine if you were addicted to cold turkey and you knew there was only 1 way to quit?
Always love a woman for her personality. They have like 10, so you can choose.
2 incomes are better than 1 fellas. Make sure your girl got 2 jobs
“For a really awkward time, call me.”
-me, leaving my number on bathroom stalls.