Friend: Can I borrow a hair band?
Me: *retrieving Bon Jovi from the basement* Please have them home by 9.
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Crossover ideas
– 50 Shades of Grey’s Anatomy
– Tiger King and I
– Orange is the New Black Mirror
– Captain Marvellous Mrs Maisel
– Breaking Bad Boys
guys named stephen “can’t ephen.”
“I can’t lie to you”
You suck at lying, don’t blame that shit on me
[How salad was created]
You know, it would taste better if there was more of us.
– Single piece of lettuce
Kids will say anything to procrastinate sleep. Tonight my 3yo called me into his room to tell me that he “bit his teeth.” Ok… well, now bite them with your eyes closed.
boss: you’re fired for putting a curse on susan
me: ok
susan: [trapped in an oil painting for eternity] can you lift the curse?
me: sorry i don’t work here
Nothing makes me second-guess my language like a little voice chirping, “Mommy, I found your freaking measuring spoons.”
Whatever doesn’t kill you wakes you up at 5:00 AM on Sunday.
Fact of the Day: Lyrics can be used in a court of law as evidence.
That’s how Billy Joel was acquitted of arson charges.
ME: i’ve been feeling sick lately
FRIEND: maybe you should see a doctor
ME: *google image searches “doctor”* haha you’re right, they look awesome
Maybe installing Freudian Autocorrect was not the breast idea.
[bday party]
Mum: happy birthday son
Me: wow that’s a huge cake!
Mum: its full of bees
Me: what
Mum [backing away]: I said it’s cream cheese
[a gorilla is using sign language to try to tell me something]
Me [eating a banana]: I’m sorry I don’t understand
Okay Canada. You’ve made your point.
Will you take winter back now?
Please?
When someone says they’ve been married for 20 beautiful years, I like to ask them “so how many years total?”
I wonder if anyone ever told Hitler “just be yourself”.
damn demi, your rap battle opponent didn’t even try to diss your clothes. what’s your secret. [camera pans out to show all-orange outfit]
When I was 6 my cousin stole my boomerang. The next day his parents died in a car crash. Andy, if you’re reading this, I want my boomerang.
I honestly see both sides of the flat earth debate.
[lifeguard panting and dropping me in sand] what the hell
[me trying to catch my breath] sorry. I thought you were a shark for most of that
I remember when things only cost an arm.
Being a billionaire should be illegal unless you’re a talking duck with no pants.
Gemini: Please stop touching the Amulet of Unceasing Regret. It’s not a toy.
Responding to someone putting on their jacket, picking up their bag, turning towards the door and walking away by asking “you off?”
First man discovered fire. Then he invented the wheel. Then there was, like, 500 years where he just kept setting the wheel on fire.
Reached the age where my body is like, “oh yeah, forgot to tell you, we can’t eat cucumbers after 7 P.M. anymore.”
ME: [finding hidden compartment] OMG what the heck is this?
WIFE: The washing machine
watergate? u mean a dam??
PER MY LAST EMAIL
Role playing in the bedroom was fun until my wife gave me a speeding ticket.