Friend: How was your job interview?
Me: I think I hugged him too long.
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I’m still awake because my brain can’t locate my sleep file, babe
Stop trying to make me exfoliate. Maybe I like having 17 layers of crusty old skin on my face.
Wanna feel old? Of course you don’t. Have a great day.
[wife calls]
did you write “make all the traps from home alone” on the calendar
[me at hardware store holding paint cans and feathers] “no”
Those orcas won’t leave my driveway.
ME: i’ve got two problems – i’m sick with covid, and i can’t tell the difference between the words “dying” and “doing”
DOCTOR: these tests say you’re doing incredibly well
ME: thanks tell my wife I love her
MAN: I’ll get pasta & she’ll have the salad
COW: What’s that mean?
MAN: Uh-
COW: I’m fat?
MAN: … You’re a cow?
PIG AT NEXT TABLE: Ooo
What rhymes with Autoerotic Asphyxiation? Writing an obituary is hard.
If God hates gays so much, why didn’t he put it in the ten commandments? Instead he’s more pissed that you’re jealous of your friend’s PS4
Just saw a piece of jewelry made in 1982 described as “vintage” so I’ll be laying down the rest of the day
math teacher: I said to bring your protractor to class
boy with cowboy hat: I’m just a good old fashioned country boy, I ain’t need nothin fancy, this simple tractor should do the job just fine ma’am
Go girl power!
Wife thinks I bought way too many presents. Hah! It’s just one jigsaw puzzle with the pieces wrapped individually
The real heroes are my neighbours in a 5km radius during my quarantine bagpipe practice
[performance review]
boss: from now on you’re getting supervision
me: yes!!
boss: wait, that doesn’t mean–
me: *already smashing my glasses*
It’s a 50% chance the dental floss on the floor is mine, but until I wrestle it back into the trash, I’m treating it like a cobra at large.
[interview]
“Says here, you like to master debate in your free time?”“Yeah, sorry, that’s a typo”
My daughter stole and lost my good brow tweezers, and the only good thing is that now when I yell at her about it my brows look extra angry.
🤣😭 I done ate 22 times and took 13 naps and it’s still today
*12 pulls a gray hair out of my head*
M: Wow, look at that!
12: Hang on. There’s A LOT more!
M:
12: Can I get paid for pulling these out?
So, when she said she wanted a ‘fairy-tale’ romance, she didn’t actually want me to eat her grandma or lock her in a tower?
Dating is hard.
Please don’t tell my kids they haven’t got a pet chameleon.
Is “asking for a friend” just a way people can nonchalantly ask a question while making it seem like someone else asked? Asking for a friend
Do nudists have anxiety dreams where they show up to events clothed?
Optimus Prime: *in an auto parts store* where are your dressing rooms
Phones down.
Cannibals are so full of themselves and other people
Did you know pigs have orgasms that last 30 minutes?
This is God thanking them for bacon.
Gods work.
my fiancé and I started a baby jar & every time someone asks when we’re going to have kids we put a dollar in & when the jar is full we will spend it on whatever we want bc we don’t have kids