Scooby-Doo gave me unrealistic expectations about how often a human, dressed as a monster, would chase me.
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Let’s just say she wasn’t impressed when I picked her up in my go-kart.
I want whatever ice cream is most popular served at my funeral bc I think it would be funny to see a bunch of adults eating ice cream cones but really sadly
[wakes up next to perfectly crocheted sweater with knitting needles in hands]
Oh dear god not again
Somebody call the cops.
My coworkers think I’m always busy but I’m really just trying to remember my password.
The face palm is the only houseplant you can’t kill
Has anyone tried putting all the Wordle answers together to see if they spell out a warning
Would I like wedges? No thank you, I shall stick with fries. Not a huge fan of starch that takes 30 minutes to cool down enough to eat while simltaniously becoming totally inedible, but thank you for offering me your salty paper weights.
Boss: Are you high?
[Me watching him evaporate] I hope so.
me: truth or dare
government: truth
me: is Wyoming real
government: dare
Me: Aww a valentine!
Officer: It’s a ticket.
Me: A ticket to your heart.
Officer: Ma’am, will you-
Me: Yes! I’ll marry you.
When you order 20 bananas and end up with 20 *bunches*…
Does my family really expect me to express my love for them on Valentine’s Day when we’ve been trapped together for months??
I may be angry on the outside, but inside me beats a heart of stone…
[grounding my son]
me: THAT’S IT! You’re out of the school play!
wife (whispering): he doesn’t actually care about that play
me (whispering): I know, I just really don’t want to go to it
KID:Dad what’s the difference between a gerbil and a rat
DAD WHO IS A MAFIA BOSS:A gerbil sleeps in a cage and a rat sleeps with the fishes
You can flash your library card when you’re walking into Costco. They couldn’t care less.
Just made my neighbors kid cry. How was I supposed to know Hags meant have a great summer?
“I love it when we finish each other.”
“You mean: other’s sentences?”
“No.”
Me: what’s the deal with airplane food
Baby: I don’t know it just tastes better when you make that noise
It’s one thing to get a golf tee stuck in a nostril. Shit happens. But if you’ve got a golf tee in each nostril, that’s a pattern. Wake up.
Witness protection, but for men who have accidentally told a woman she looks tired
Me: The dog gives me more attention because he loves me the most.
Husband: No, it’s because you’re constantly dropping food on the floor.
Actually parents are supposed to steal their kid’s Halloween candy; that’s how you prevent cavities.
person: nice cheese
inventor of swiss: thanks it has pockets
Don’t mistake my kindness for weakness. I am both kind AND weak. I’d like you to recognize them individually.
Be the reason why the lights flicker & the temperature drops when you enter a room.
DORA: “What was YOUR favorite part?!”
ME:
DORA:
ME:
DORA: “I like that part too.”
I am the all knowing oracle, you may ask me one question
“How do you pronounce quinoa?”
[it’s just covered in sweat] um can u ask me another