All toilet seats can be heated toilet seats if you push people off them and sit real fast.
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i do believe that bears are dangerous and anyone who thinks they can get close to one is very stupid. but i also think i am different and the bear would sense my loving spirit
“Dumb as a bag of hammers” is kind of a stupid comparison because it’s actually quite a clever way to carry several hammers at once.
waiter: *murdering me*
me: [after ordering the not getting murdered] no no this is fine
It’s never too late to accomplish things you never thought you could. I’m 46 years old and just set a personal record for vertical leap when I saw my own reflection in the mirror and jumped like a cat
If anyone needs me, I’ll be spending the rest of my life under this bathroom light that gives my abs a hint of definition.
Every time my boyfriend and I break up, we get back together for half the length of our previous relationship. My friends say it’s unhealthy, but as a student of mathematics, I know it’s bound to end in a finite amount of time.
I’m putting off having kids mainly because I’m not ready to be 9 months sober.
Turns out 6 foot penguins don’t exist, in related news, I might have just ran over a nun.
Who the hell invented Bull Riding?
“Hey, I’m gonna hop on that 2,000 pound pissed off animal…Time me!!!”
Who called it your monthly period and not egg drop soup?
Gun control sounds like a dangerous but exciting way to change the channel
Shout out to the top 5 suits in the world, 3-piece, zoot, swim, law and birthday.
He asked what my favorite position was… I said CEO
I handed her the flowers. “You shouldn’t of!” she said. I took them back. “Have,” I whispered
If elves make shoes, cookies and toys, why don’t we put them in charge of more stuff
My wife tried imitating the weird groaning sound her car is making, and all three auto mechanics asked her out.
[Time is NOT Real Institute]
BOSS: Where do you see yourself in 5 years?
ME {coyly}: Time is not real
BOSS: Ah, very good. That was a test. You seem like the right guy for the job…. When can you start?
ME: Right away
BOSS: …
ME: Oh shi-
I took sex ed in school. At no point did they point out that I wouldn’t have any
wife: um, why is the zoo calling about a missing baby tiger?
me filling a big bowl with frosted flakes: no idea.
Have kids they said, they definitely won’t lose your right AirPod in the yard and run it over with the lawn mower they said.
My therapist thanked me for making her decision to retire early much easier.
So I’ve got that going for me.
In order to get my nephews up and ready for church in a timely manor, I told them we were going to Disneyland…
They’ll be SO surprised!
Most of my tweets have been coming from a very dark place lately. That’s what happens when you forget to pay your electric bill
My son said he’d do something in a minute.
So far it’s been 185 days, 16 hours & 11 minutes but who’s counting.
[my funeral]
priest: we are all going to miss, uh… *snaps finger* you know.. *glances at my wife*
wife: *turns to my mom*
mom: Greg? I feel like it was something close to Greg.
JOHN LENNON: Imagine all the people living life in peace.
ME: That’s beautiful.
CARL DOUGLAS: Okay, now imagine they were kung fu fighting.
ME: No you’re right that’s better. Carl’s is better.
I bet at least ONE of Leonardo DiCaprio’s friends has called him Leotard. Probably Mark Wahlberg…
Drunk Draft Folder Contents:
“Trees. LOL.”
“I was born once. Pickles.”
“Spice Girls”
“Toes. Are on my feet. Both feet. Not just one.”
After I dropped my daughter off at college, my youngest son said “We’re finally empty nesters. Let’s start traveling”.