Recycling bottles.
Pre Covid: These aren’t all mine, I had a party, honest
Covid: I didn’t have a party, I swear, I’m just an alcoholic
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During this heat wave with high humidity I’ve not wasted time combing my hair and I’m looking like a chia pet.
I can’t afford one of those copper bracelets for pain so I just swallow a few pennies a day
How dare you incinerate that I don’t know big words.
wife: *handing me a bowl of raspberries* we have to eat these before they go bad
me: that is true of literally every food
A guy was honking at a car ahead of him to speed up at 6AM so I followed him bc his job must be amazing if he’s that excited to get to work.
*God creating the rhino*
God: How’d the unicorn thing go?
A: There were problems.
G: What?
A: We got an angry spiked cow.
G: Close enough.
mary: excuse me, waiter? i asked you to stop bringing him juice
waiter: we did, we’ve only given him water
10 year old jesus: *winks at camera*
Finally all the people in the White House are being polite. They are all running around saying “pardon me.”
Terrible things can happen if you go camping. For starters, you could want to go camping again.
*3 running a brush through my hair*
3: I’m making your hair pretty
Me: Thank you
3: instead of so ugly
Me:
A frittata is just an omelette for people too lazy to flip things.
I want a hallmark movie where the city girl goes home to save the family business, and realizes her hometown and her high school sweetheart still suck after all these years
When I ask a tall person to reach something in a public place, what I really wish they’d do is pick me up so I can reach it myself.
I’m sorry I seasoned you while you were taking a nap.
My wife pissed me off in my dream. When I woke up and told her about it she said it was probably something I started so I ended up apologizing and bought her flowers.
4 out of 5 dentists now say eat all the candy you want. 4 out of 5 dentists also want to upgrade their yachts.
Sounds like thunder outside, but it’s 2020, might be King Kong for all I know.
person texting me: hey I’m outside
me: [covered in glue and accidentally tripping onto a pile of several thousand photos of you] uh HANG ON
Parenting is cheering on your kid’s winning softball team all weekend and then cheering on the Sunday rain for cancelling the rest of the games.
Baby, turn it up so I can hear the captions better
Telling my kids this is why dinosaurs went extinct
me looking at kristen stewart pics: i should get a mullet. it will definitely look as good on me and not like a small animal died on my weird head
Roses are red, violets are-
Guy who named red onions: Blue! Violets are definitely blue!
My neighbor just snapped his fingers at me to get my attention.
In related news, hiding a dead body is not as easy as you think.
“So you’re a foodie? What’s a foodie?”
“We enjoy eating out and trying new food.”
“So you’re like everyone else, except you brag about it?”
PIG: “I’m paranoid everyone’s trying to turn me into bacon”
PSYCHIATRIST: “I’ll cure you”
PIG: “Oh God, not you too”
Russian computer: “Enter password”
Me: “Beef stew”
Russian computer: “Password not stroganoff”
*at a rave*
“EXCUSE ME MISS, WOULD YOU LIKE TO DANCE?”
*45 minutes later*
“THIS IS A LONG SONG”
“Shark infested waters”….you mean their home?
they always announce when a famous person dies but they never announce when a famous person is born