HIM: Did you steal my truth serum?
ME: You bet I did.
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Him: I’m a big Star Wars nerd.
Me: Oh yeah, name one ewok.
I tried to pause the baby monitor when my baby woke up early from a nap instead of the Netflix show I was watching. It didn’t work.
*works out for 75 mins
*eats an entire batch of cookie dough
Smooooooth
Working at McDonald’s at 16 taught me I didn’t want to work at McDonald’s at 17.
[speed dating]
*takes his temperature*
My 8yo was playing science lab, spilled some concoction on the floor, and made a sign saying “caution: wet floor” instead of wiping it up, parenting is friggin’ ridiculous
Entrepreneurs will work hard and put in 120% for years only for one article to tell you that their secret is that they do yoga at 4.30am 🙄🙄🙄
Jesus Christ. They stole your tweet. Not your first born son.
Nice try Hitler
I hate it when my wife wakes me up at the crack of dawn just to tell me my alarm woke her up.
I’m here to express deep thanks to the wet tissue I just found in the wash that helpfully crushed itself into a little ball instead of exploding like glitter over the surface of every wet garment
I just released my own fragrance.
Now everyone in the car is pissed off.
Me [hopping on twitter]: man there is some stupid shit on here
Also me: I wonder how I can contribute
There’s nothing to stop you from whispering “I’m in!” like a hacker when you enter your own email password.
My wife’s late for work because I unplugged her alarm so I could charge my phone. She’s mad, but at least I can tell you guys about it.
Wife: Our dog was put down and then my husband died, it was tough
Medium *nodding* he was the love of your life
Wife: Yes of course!
Medium: He has something to say to you
Wife: omg go on
Medium: woof
In the event of a tornado, put some weiners in your pocket.
That way the search dogs will find you first.
Sociophobia is the fear of friends.
Sociophoebea is the fear of just the ditzy one.
How to stop checking someone’s Facebook page:
1. Delete your Facebook profile
2. Break your phone
3. Give away your laptop
4. Die
Your Hunger Games name is the last injection you got plus the last thing you stepped on. I’m Tetanus Woodscrew
Don’t listen to your heart. It’s just a pump receiving commands from the brain. Don’t listen to your brain, either. If it had any good ideas, you wouldn’t be here now.
*Knocks down spider web*
Spider: Rude
*Hangs up spider web Halloween decorations*
Spider: Unbelievable
Whoever invented popcorn deserves the Medal of Honor for not panicking after the first 45 seconds.
I dream of living in a world where men are judged not by the color of their skin, but by the contents of their iPod.
I was going to eat a salad today, but then I remembered I’m not a rabbit.
Speed dating?
You mean pizza delivered in less than 30 mins…
seems like a niche market
Me: Someone finally made a documentary about clocks
Friend: Please don’t, please
Me: It’s about time
Ex-Friend: I’ve had it
We’ve secretly replaced Janet’s coffee with melatonin capsules. Let’s see if— okay yeah, she noticed. She looks pissed. Sleepy, but pissed…