2008: I want a career where I change the world
2012: It’d be great to make decent money doing something I’m proud of
2018: crying in my cube 4x a week is ONLY acceptable if I make enough money to afford tissues
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Drink like a fish and you’ll never feel like a fish out of water socially. You might look like one but you’ll never feel like one…
I accidentally confused Star Trek with Star Wars and some kid threatened to cut me with his Virgin card.
Me: Who drank all my beer?
Wife: Who do you think? I’m pregnant and both kids are under the age of four.
Me: So is that a confession?
MOVIE IDEA: Jurassic Park, but the fences all work and everyone just has a really lovely time.
Getting grey hair hurts less when you say you’re sprouting tinsel instead.
I gave artisanal crisps a chance, because they’re crisps. But I am done with these crackpot flavours now. “Gravel steamed wildebeest and okra”. “Startled jellyfish with air”. “Pancake and moss”. “Thoughts of turnip”. “Boastful earwig on a bible”. Enough is enough
Mambo Number Five, but it’s a list of all the serial killers you dated without ever realizing it
*sees sharp scissors, hot glue guns, and simmering office rage*
Maybe team building with arts and crafts wasn’t such a great idea.
Stretching and yawning at the same time might not look so sexy but it looks like you’re a Pokemon evolving so that’s cool.
A couple in Halifax got married during hurricane Fiona. The bouquet toss lasted a few hours but eventually someone caught it in Moncton.
Most things in life aren’t free. HOWEVER if you run fast enough, they are.
My dog sets an impossible bar on how to greet my wife when she comes home.
What idiot called them “Female condoms” and not Estrojans?
Wise advice
jesus: hey dad
God: hey
jesus: happy Father’s Day
God: thanks bud
God: hey listen man so im gonna need u to die on a cross
My astrological sign is KFC gravy
The only thing I do to get my body ready for summer is make sure my AC is serviced.
Nobody has ever believed in me as much as the chef at this food cart who just handed me a burrito not wrapped in foil.
Saying “I’m practicing social distancing”
-everyone doing it
-not very exciting
-no varietyExclaiming “keep your hands off me good sir!”
-classy
-are you a character in a victorian novel?
-implies someone would want to touch you
Me: “authenticity” is a weird concept with food. Most people would consider pizza to be more Italian than American. But the tomato only came to Italy in the 16th Century from, you guessed it, the Americas
Domino’s guy: please let me go, the app knows where I am
Yes, the 5:00 whistle! I’m so excited I’m going to yell a catchphrase of some sort and slide right down the tail of an unidentified dinosaur on my way to clock out!
If your dog doesn’t have a middle name how will they know when you’re mad at them when you call them?
Settle down lifeguard, I can swim, it’s just not pretty to watch.
friend: they say pennywise takes form of your greatest fear
[later]
tv: the big bang theory marathon starts now!
me: holy shit it’s him
Therapist: Are you a man or a mouse?
Mickey: Quite frankly, I was hoping you could tell me.
New neighbor came over and said “I’m required by state law to introduce myself.” Odd pickup line, but guess who has a date tonight, guys!
I stop strangers from talking by smelling their hair & saying,”You smell like Pa. Pa loved his wood chipper. Never did find them drifters.”
“And there was this one time…”
*scuffle scuffle*
*muffled swearing*
*mic drops*Me, giving a wedding toast
I don’t trust kids as far as I can throw them. Currently my record for trusting a kid is 6 feet 11-1/4 inches.