I mistook a flash flood warning for a neighboring town as a “flash mob” announcement. So, when I showed up for it, I looked stupid.
And my shoes got wet.
You Might Also Like
I may not believe in Santa, the Easter Bunny or the Great Pumpkin, but these mid-life stabbing pains all over my body have me convinced there are ninjas everywhere.
“Traaains”
– traveling zombies
My call has been first in line for nine minutes; I won’t be surprised if the next available representative tells me I have to call a different number.
CIVIL ENGINEER: ok let’s build stuff.
UNCIVIL ENGINEER: *smashes popsicle stick bridge*
She believed she could so she did and now I have a meeting with her teacher and the principal.
[Town Meeting]
Criminal Profiler: Everything we know about the killer suggests that it’s a male, unable to resist even the smallest of provocations, and that he does a pretty mediocre impression of Frasier
Me: [Stood at the back] Mediocre? How dare you! I AM WOUNDED!
My phone told me my screen time was up 82% last week and honestly nobody asked you
Interviewer: congrats you got the security guard job
Me: *already asleep on a folding chair*
Interviewer: hang on u don’t start til monday
A person followed me and then unfollowed me within 3 minutes. How can they judge me after only seeing 47 tweets?
Girl at engineering school: I’m like the single-most clumsy person
[5 male engineering students emerge from bushes]
“Did you say single?”
Such a double standard between men & women, like when men have sex with lots of women they’re “players,” but when I do it I’m a “lesbian.”
“What would your friends say your biggest weakness is?”
“I have none.”
“I don’t believe that.”
“It’s true, I have no friends.”
#RubbishJokes #AmazingFacts
#ThursdayVibe
Me: I need to start buying gifts for people; Christmas is coming up.
Also me: *buying myself a Burr Coffee Grinder* I’m technically people, so….
Who are the people getting up and scanning QR codes off the TV??
I get so excited when Facebook tells me there are hot singles in my city who want to meet me. Maybe they want to babysit!
[first day of creation]
GOD: *stuck in traffic* oh no I’m not gonna make the light
Me: Are these garbage bags of yours super strong?
Clark Kent: What? No just regular strong ones here haha nothing super about ‘em *nervously adjusts glasses*
ME: I have a few openings today and can probably squeeze you in
PROCTOLOGIST BOSS: haha nice
ME: what
PROCTOLOGIST BOSS: ugh nothing
Wait unicorns aren’t real?
Are you saying that I made out with a regular horse?
There is so much misplaced anger in this world. And so much of it is aimed at Brussels sprouts. Sad.
me: i’d sell my soul for clear skin.
dermatologist: drink more water.
me: [glaring] i SAID i’d sell my SOUL for clear skin
Teacher: Can anyone give me an example of guilty by association?
The Horse I rode in on: *Raises Hoof*
I am waiting for the day we have a national scandal involving a gate
“Mom, can you make me a snack and bring it upstairs?”
Me: “No! What is this, Denny’s?”
“Mom, Denny’s doesn’t have an upstairs.”
I took my kids’ screens away so we could spend some quality time together and it turns out they are really terrible to be around
I didn’t come here to be called names
Hockey is a sport where people use feet knives to walk so they can score a goal with a tiny hamburger.
Objective: Get to bathroom without engaging Boyfriend’s roommates
He said I was sent from above, but I wasn’t sure if he meant angelic, or shit out of a bird.
Today, I saw someone waving and I wasn’t sure whether they were waving at me or at someone behind me. In other news, I was fired from my lifeguard job.