It’s okay if you didn’t notice that I switched my beard trimmer’s setting from 6 to 5. The difference is stubble.
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[First Day As A Director]
Me: [forgot how to end a scene] *tackles the cameraman*
Drama Llama is what they dubbed me in college. Not because of my theatrics, I earned the name by spitting.
Me: Please. Just a little longer.
Dental Asst: Ma’am. It’s been 24 minutes since your x-ray. It’s not a real hug, and I need to use the apron on other patients now.
I want to believe in hope as much as someone who thinks that somebody might buy their old used shoes on Craigslist for $20.
[being carried away by a colony of ants] haha nice let’s see where this goes
If you tell your coworkers you sleep in the nude, no one bothers you when you close your office doors at 2pm every day.
Sometimes I have hope for future generations, but then I watch a high school student pick a booger on a Zoom call.
Don’t be sad dirty dishes, nobody’s doing me either.
NETFLIX: Are you still watching?
Me: I’m trying, but you won’t let me use my neighbor’s sister’s ex-boyfriend’s password.
Dateline was on an hour later than usual and hoo boy they’re sure lucky I don’t have a life
Who decided to call them “wedding vows” instead of “veiled threats”?
Heard the local weatherman say, “high in the thirties” & now I know the title to my autobiography.
“Well, there’s no circle thingy with the slash through it, so I guess it’s okay.”
We can’t afford a Trump presidency. The money spent alone on hundreds of new White House door knobs for his wee-baby hands would bankrupt us
[my funeral]
sister: did you know about this?
mom: [watching my pallbearers dressed like the ninja turtles carry my casket] it’s what he wanted
If I were a rapper I’d write a lyric like “Get money, make cupcakes. Must be winter ‘cuz I be frosting,” and my pseudonym would be One-Zee.
[Date rolls over in bed & gasps in horror]
Me: [In nothing, with pantyhose over my head] Did you know the average person swallows 8 spiders a year in their sleep?
Ever since Crystal signed my yearbook in 4th grade, all of my summers have been rad and I haven’t changed, just like she asked.
Cake is better than sex because cavities are better than babies
[medieval doctor] bad vibes? got a worm for that
Me, to the fellas: Load up. We getting magical tonight.
Movie makers: keep them under 2.5 hours. Bladders everywhere will thank you.
guard your heart, cater to no man’s ego, honor your own time and your energy, don’t use uber. happy 2015.
Lawyers out there, if I see any of my Tweets being used on Comedy Central can I sue….. Oh you don’t think that will ever be an issue, okay
I just made bacon for dessert, I’m not in the mood to be trifled with
“I just called to say I love you.”
-Stevie Wonder not understanding how prank calls work
ME: [opening door and tossing in an apple]
DOCTOR: [diving on it] GRENADE!
I threw the ball out into the backyard, the dog started runnin’ on the hardwood floor to give chase, lost traction and skidded sideways out the door like she was trying to block the Suez Canal.
I found a lost dog whose tag said 905-555-4598. Who would name a dog that?
chugging a woman’s entire drink at the bar and then saying “you’re safe. there is nothing in your drink”