*Bat signal lights up Gotham*
Mothra: GODDAMNIT *just flies straight into it*
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me: I just hate delivering bad news over the phone
firefighter: *staring at burned down building* ok but you still should’ve
I thought “ghosting” was when you slowly tricked someone you didn’t like into thinking their apartment was haunted until they moved far away
until my aim improves I’m just a puncturist
[talent show audition]
Me: *pressing lips to mic* I’m a coroner by day and a ventriloquist by night
Judge: whose lips are those?
My date spent all night telling me that she loved Bad Boys – Then seemed disappointed when we got back to mine and I put the DVD on.
For someone who dislikes Bill Gates, my dad sure does dress a lot like him.
Been running on this treadmill for three hours but the timer says 16 minutes
Only two things are certain: death, and Princess Diana’s face on at least one grocery store magazine
pope: love all
*everyone cheers*
*he serves a tennis ball right into the crowd*
pope: fifteen-love
My kid yelled she couldn’t wait to be an adult so I handed her the bills, threw the laundry on her bed, replaced her pizza with cauliflower, redirected my student loan calls to her phone and demanded she get me a snack every time she tried to go to the restroom.
Paul McCartney wrote ‘Yesterday’
But he also wrote ‘Obla-de-obla-da’ and ‘Ebony and Ivory’
So, don’t worry if some of your tweets are shit
The Teen Choice Awards has to be the most legit award show because teens always make the best choices.
Boss: I had a dream about you last night.
Me: You’re welcome? Excuse me, I have to go and die now.
Decaf coffee. For people who really want yellow teeth, but don’t want to lie awake at night thinking about it.
The most unrealistic part of The X Files was how no one got called into a budget meeting. It’s a government agency for crying out loud
Piss me off in the grocery store and I’ll get in front of you in the checkout line and pay for a single tomato with a personal check.
Good day meowlady
* tips cat
Wife: can u unstack the dishwasher?
Me opening dishwasher, taking out large knife & cutting my hand off: I can’t, there’s been an accident.
My memory is horrible but I remember every person I loaned a book to that didn’t return it.
DOMINO’S PIZZA TRACKER UPDATES:
– At 5:30pm, Ronny left our store with your pizza and $350 in stolen cash
– At 5:42pm, Ronny was last seen heading eastbound of HWY 94, high AF on meth
– At 6:02pm, Ronny got naked and ate your pizza while exchanging gunfire with police. Sorry
Giving people the finger while driving just isn’t effective. Which is why I had the catapult installed.
Imagine how exciting the Tour de France would be if they added some sweet ramps.
I had an unsettling dream. Someone came into my house and placed my Precious Moments figurines in compromising positions.
Super glue dry times:
Wood – 30 secs
Steel – 60 secs
Ceramic – 20 secs
Fingers – instant
if he likes you he will let you know. if he wants to talk to you, he’ll text. do nothing. you’re a beautiful object. pretend you’re a tree
Me: Why am I suddenly sick?
Friend: Probably the change in the Weather
[earlier]
Weather: *uncharacteristically puts poison in my coffee*
Whiskey, tango, french fry…?
Yeah, I think that’s right.
Any new zombie movies that want to be believable need to include random people who walk directly up to zombies & get bitten on purpose because they think getting bitten will help them build immunity against being bitten. They also need to mock people trying to avoid being bitten.
Wife: Did you pick up the book I asked you to get?
Me: Yes
Wife: Where did you go?
Me: Narnes & Boble
Wife: Did you say Barnes & Noble?
Me: Maybe