As a parent I can honestly say that I don’t have a favorite child, but I do have one that’s definitely going to be the cause of my first heart attack
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When Godzilla keeps knocking down stuff that you can’t even reach.
My god, horses chased me for 5 minutes.
Most terrifying carousel ride ever.
Oh thank god, you wouldn’t want your kid to ruin family booze night
The local children surround me, trying to build a pyre. I’M NOT A WITCH, I shriek, my witch-like shrieking doing me no favours whatsoever
Slack jaw. Vacant eyes. All symptoms of someone listening to me talk.
McDonald’s employee: for here or to go?
Guy who was born inside McDonald’s and has never seen the outside world: what?
Today my 12 year old went back into a room to switch off a light, so never give up on your dreams
Matt Lauer lost his job.
Charlie Rose lost his job.
Mark Halperin lost his job.
Glenn Thrush lost his job.
Billy Bush lost his job.
Harvey Weinstein lost his job.
Kevin Spacey lost his job.
But in politics…
Conyers still in Congress.
Moore still running.
Trump still President.
I’m sorry for all the traffic today in Los Angeles. I went outside in tiny shorts
Just spent a week building a time machine. That’s seven days of my life I’m going to get back.
Husband: Can you ever be serious?
Me *using candy corn as fangs* Yeth.
If any cheetahs are reading this, please do not eat my son.
legolas: you have my bow
gimli: and my axe
[everyone looks at me, closely guarding my sandwich]
me: you may have a SMALL bite
The Story of Volcanos
God: Ok, how about a mountain..
Angel: We got mountains.
God: Lemme finish. That shits fire.
Angel: Metal.
*fist bump*
posted the “what are my red flags” thing on instagram and not a single person replied. just as i suspected, i am perfect.
velma: this man has been dressing up as a ghost and haunting the amusement park at night
judge: look, that’s really weird but you were still trespassing on his property
My husband disappears when I’m angry at him. I haven’t seen him since 2015.
In Seattle, there’s a code that states when two people are walking towards each other, the one with the bigger coffee cup passes first.
Therapist: They are NOT antidepressants
Me: All I’m saying is I’ve never been less than happy while holding a taco.
Therapist: FOR THE LAST TIME, I can’t get your insurance to cover tacos!
Me: Don’t yell at me. You need a taco.
Boss: Lunch meeting, let’s go.
Me: Do I have to?
Boss: Free food and unlimited alcohol.
Me: *moonwalks to the car*
A friend cut me from their family Christmas card mailing list, do I send a thank you card or…
Just read the “Our Story” section on the back of my frozen burrito box and it said “one day my wife made me a burrito and it was so good I knew we had to start a frozen burrito business” and I just feel like not every boxed food needs a story. It’s ok to just not.
You hang up
“No, you hang up”
You hang up first!
– Bats going to bed
One of the most unforgivable sins is spilling your coffee because you’re texting while driving.
Me: I really like her. What should I do?
Friend: Give her the time of day.
[Later]
Her: Hey.
Me: It’s 2 PM.
Satan: you can spend eternity in hell OR you can go to work for the first time in 5 days.
Me: hmmm
Satan: well?
Me: IM THINKING, DAMN IT
I didn’t mean to knock your toddler down at the mall today…
I just wanted to be first on Santa’s lap before he got peed on.
a carton of eggs that cost $6.66 call ‘em deviled eggs.
After we got the divorce she let me have everything. Except the jewelry, and of course something to keep it in. I call it “the house”..
My plans for world domination will have to be put on hold while I try to open this package of batteries.