I think about this a lot
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Please, by all means, call my landline. I’ll reply with a postcard attached to a helium balloon
R.I.P. Wile E. Coyote
Crabs always look like they’re walking themselves out of an awkward situation.
me: I’m having hearing issues
doctor: can you describe the symptoms?
me: it’s a tv show about a family from springfield
All of these time capsules I just dug up have bodies in them?
If I gave you a book for Christmas it’s due back at the library tomorrow
The worst feeling is when you miss someone but you can’t even tell them you miss them because they are a pizza.
Friend: “I just blew a speaker in my car.”
Me: “Which kind?”
Friend: “Motivational.”
Friend: What a cute baby! Boy or girl?
Me: Guess
Friend: What’s its name?
Me: Spork
Wife: It’s sweltering in here. We need to get the AC fixed.
Me: Look at this gif, it’ll cool you down.
Wife: I forget, did you want to be buried or cremated?
[Googling instructions for disarming a bomb]
For me, disarming bombs is indelibly linked to afternoons spent in my grandmother’s kitchen, watching her carefully iron the parchment paper that the nitroglycerin came bound in (to be reused at Christm
[Hurried scrolling]
The “Allosaurus you can eat” buffet was very popular with Jurassic Park visitors. After the fences failed it was also popular with the Allosaurus.
me: [throws jacket over a puddle like a gentleman]
my date: why my jacket
What do you call a bunch of chess players bragging about their game in a hotel lobby?
Chess nuts boasting in an open foyer
He was a meter boy, she said see you liter boy
People who try to beat you when walking into a store. No.
Kidnapper: We’ve kidnapped your son.
My dad: Please let me speak to him.
Kidnapper: He’s here.
My dad: You left the fan on, again.
Nobody talks about Dumbo anymore…
He’s irrelephant
As a kid I’d watch Price is Right and think ha that sucks he won furniture. Now I’m like, wow I can really use a new bedroom set.
Me: *covers up with fleece blanket*
Wife: *rips it off me* This is for the cats
I’m scared. I have this weird stabby pain in my chest and it really hurts and..Dorito. It was a Dorito in my bra.
Fifty shades of grey is my favourite movie about English weather.
We arrived at our holiday cottage which is near several other holiday cottages and within 5 minutes a lady from another cottage came to say hi and chatted for a while and now we have to leave the holiday cottage and stay in the woods where no other people will ever find us
I am patiently waiting for your email
Just remember someone actually thinks your ex is being sincere right now
[opens jar of olives and pours them in my garden]
“Now grow to be a restaurant”
God: ok u can make one human that’s it
Satan: how do u feel about toupees & the name Donald
According to most health insurance companies, teeth are luxury bones that I must pay more to continue enjoying
I support robot taxis. How else are robots supposed to get around?
Me: Have you tried turning it off and on again?
Helicopter pilot: …no.