A cup of water A cup of water
when it’s in when it spills
a cup on the table
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Ghost: Death is coming for you
Me: Omg my husband is gonna be so jealous
The next time some pretentious wine snob pours you a glass of wine, expecting you to wax lyrical, sip it then say, “Promising”.
That’ll knock the wind out of his sails.
[first date]
HER: i’m really into astronomy
ME: [revealing my secret stash of Milky Ways] you don’t say
You’re lifting weights dude, you’re not in labor. Settle down.
(life flashing before my eyes)
paramedics: why is he cringing?
Me: [getting mugged]
THANK YOU FOR WEARING A MASK
My self help-seminar, “Stop Blaming Others” canceled due to my incompetent staff.
My efforts to lose weight are starting to pay off. I gained only three pounds this month.
[me on Ellen}
Ellen: so i heard you like to tell people directions
Me: that’s right Ellen
EVERYONE FREEZE THIS IS A ROBBERY!
“What’s that?”
It…it’s a sawed-off shotgun.
“Aren’t you supposed to use the other half?”
…shit.
Everyone wants to be a Viking until you set them out to sea on a boat that’s on fire.
ME: can u pick me up in ur claws
DRAGON: go AWAY dammit
ME: can u just put me in ur mouth pls—I wanna look out from ur teeth like im in jail
Wife: Where’d you buy my gift?
Me: Bed Bath & Beyond
Wife: You used a coupon right?
Me: Coupon?
*wife faints*
Me: I need to pee
Everyone else in the Trojan horse: shh
oh u like history? name everything that happened
An enterprising neighborhood kid started a business to fill in all those grownup coloring books for us. I feel more relaxed already.
Scientists use dead bodies? Jesus, I know they’re nerds but they should still be able to make living friends.
[trying to convince this girl we should be together using a poem I found online] every time you see the word horse replace it with your name
Wonder what happens when you have a viral tweet, like your phone makes slot machine noises or what
Who says Republicans aren’t into recycling?
Mitt Romney’s thinking of running for President, again.
Star Wars Episode 7? What’s next, Star Wars Episode 8???
Friend: Show her you will go the extra mile.
[Later]
Her: You passed our stop.
Me: I am aware.
If you don’t open your mouth when you yawn, you’re a monster. I’m serious. Let that demon go. You’re freaking everybody out.
How to kill a spider: get a piece of tissue paper, approach it slowly, and very carefully, burn the house down.
I’ve got just over 13 hours to lose 35 pounds and finish a novel
No one makes fun of your unibrow if you’re a cyclops.
Patients get nervous when I walk into surgery wearing my lucky cape but I didn’t go to medical school so I need all the luck I can get.
“Please refrain, Angry God, from using the Newspaper of Doom” the Spider King cries as he orders another sacrifice into your sleeping mouth
If a vacuum cleaner really sucks does this mean it’s good or bad?
interviewer: why’d u quit ur last job
me: the company moved
interviewer: where to
me: they didn’t tell me