You can’t hurt me. You’re not a ‘closed’ sign on a pizzeria door.
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Putting clothes on an animal is like putting on an overcoat over your overcoat.
We will require you to do something somewhat onerous and time-comsuming and then introduce impediments to completing it.
– my employer
I don’t drink coffee all the time.
I take breaks in between to make another one
I hate to brag but I’ve had numerous women fake their own death to get out of a relationship with me.
People keep telling me to go burn in hell like there’s something else to do there.
*wife runs back into our house which is on fire*
What are you doing!?
W: I just want to straighten up a little before the firemen get here
*seductively takes off winter coat*
*seductively takes off another coat*
*seductively takes off another coat*
Husband: Okay, you’ve made your point. I’ll turn up the thermostat.
what are they serving at kfc then???
Lucius Malfoy: Who on Earth are you?
John Mayer: (holding a sock) Your Dobby is a wonderland.
Cellmate: what did you do?
Me: robbed a bank.
Cellmate: nice! how’d you get caught?
Me: [lights a cig and takes a long drag]
I stopped to put all the money facing the same way.
I used to love pretending I was Captain America and flinging a garbage can lid at kids in the neighborhood. But then my wife made me stop.
FOOL-PROOF PICKUP LINE:
you’re tall for a woman
[she gets real mad right here]
*place hand on hers*
but the perfect height for an angel
Bake a cake with rum and no one bats an eye… Bake brownies with laxatives and everybody loses their shit!
My reading glasses would look good on your nightstand.
-Me, flirting.
It’s always “Why aren’t you married yet?” And never “I have an old rich friend on the verge of death I’d like to introduce you to.”
Pro Tip: wash your hands after you shake mine
You may be the stupidest person I’ve ever met. And I’ve met me
My cat: thank you so much for the new luxurious window seat
Me: it’s literally a suitcase on a chair
My cat: it’s perfect I love it
My cat: the folded sweatpants on top are a nice touch too
me: can i be frank for a sec
boss: sure
frank: thank you
Spring is coming – I bet the trees will be releaved.
buying dead houseplants to save time
I want to be a pilot, but mostly so I’d have an excuse to tell passengers, “Where we’re going, we don’t need roads.”
You can teach a man to lead a fish to water but you can’t make him drink a horse
The only time I complain about my husband being on his phone is when I’m not on mine.
*Jumps on bandwagon*
Bandwagon: I have a girlfriend
“Welcome to D.A.D.D.D.S. Dads Against Dads Doing Dumb Shit. Repeat after me.”
[whole room] “AFTER ME”
“Ok fellas, lets start here”
[Courtroom]
Judge: One more word & I’ll hold you in contempt!
Me: Yes! *jumps on his lap & throws arms around him* This is nice.
A bank safety deposit box may seem extreme, but you don’t understand how hard it is to hide a box of Girl Scout cookies from my family.
The worst thing about having kids is that they grow up, but the best thing about having kids is that they grow up.