I’m tired of the unrealistic beauty standards promoted by the avian media.
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How many instruments do you have to be terrible at before you start playing the triangle?
BOSS: You’re late again today
ME {still using the Mayan calendar}: We’re lucky to even be here you know
Guy who invented coffee:
“Don’t even talk to me until I’ve invented coffee”
Beauty and the Beast (1991): A woman develops Stockholm Syndrome, emotionally bonding with her captor at castle furnished with singing decor
Roses are red
Violets are blue
I need another cup of coffee
And a donut, too.
All I need to know about you is defined by whether you ask for a cup or a cone when ordering ice cream
Why did Adele cross the road?
To say hello from the other side
Have you ever cropped a picture as you texted it; the crop didn’t stick and now your wife is asking who that woman is?
Me, to kids: “Yes, I’ll play, as soon as I finish my coffee.”
(Genius! We all know parents never get to actually finish a cup of coffee.)
*Watching tv*
Him: wtf are you eating?
Me: Cotton candy. *stuffing more in my mouth* The attic is full of it but I think it’s stale.
HIM: we’re under the mistletoe
HER: oh yes
HIM: you know what that means
HER: yup
[both draw swords and begin to duel]
Me: I know it hurts, but you’ll learn to love again.
Sheep: I don’t know. I can’t even look at ewe right now.
‘I never thought leopards would eat MY face,’ sobs woman who voted for the Leopards Eating People’s Faces Party.
The most I’ve ever paid for sex was ‘marriage.’
Women seem to want security. At least that’s what they yell whenever I approach them.
*Throws all 900 baby items in garbage*
*Buys Magic 8 Ball*
*Whispers*, This is how we raise you now.
*Sees a bum eating out of the trash*
That’s so disgusting. I don’t know how they do that.
*pulls turkey leg out of my hair & takes a bite*
I’m at a bar with my old classmates for our 25th high school reunion. I shared a few facts about my friend with a random lady and gave her $20 to approach him and act like she’s part of the old gang. He’s been faking his way through it for 15 minutes now. Just like old times.
A boy at church was asked if he knew what the resurrection was. “Yes, and if it lasts more than 4 hours you’re supposed to see a doctor.”
Trump is opting not to have celebrities at his inauguration in the same way that I opted not to take any cheerleaders to prom.
Hey bro, nowhere on your cologne bottle does it say “marinate in”
Him: let’s play a game of rhyme. I’ll go first. Romantic
Me: Panic
Him: Fun
Me: Run
Him: love
Me: shove
Him: this isn’t going well.
Me: hell
The Art Institute has many world-famous masterpieces but more importantly it has this little freak
occult darling Dracula needs to get a grip. having his own dirt shipped in to sleep on, what a piece of shit. me, i’ll sleep on any dirt
This is why I hate group projects
Good mental health at work and good management go hand in hand and there is strong evidence that workplaces with high levels of mental wellbeing are more productive.
📸: @lizandmollie
#positivethoughts #positivemind #positivelife #dailymotivation #keepmovingforward
Her: I haven’t had sex in so long, I miss it
Me: Well we could…
Her: Not that much.
I’ve never really had a beach body, but my snowman body is coming along quite nicely.
Sex is like lasagna – there’s absolutely no reason for it to involve spinach in any form.
*thumb wrapped in giant bandage*
CW: Oh my God, what happened?
Me: Never challenge a hitchhiker to a thumb war.