Spider-Man, Spider-Man, does the same movies over again.
Who’ll he fight? The same bad guys! Billion dollar film franchise.
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My 6 year old asked to play charades with me yesterday. At first she was trapped behind an invisible wall, then suddenly she was eating soup, then driving a car. She dismissed each guess as completely absurd. Finally, frustrated by my ballerina guess, she said, “I’M A MIME, DAD!”
i smell a pulitzer
Nothing is guaranteed to be less funny than when an NPR host says, “You know, it’s funny…”
Hey Canadians, what’s the plural of ‘moose?’
Mooses?
Mooseses?
Meese?
Meeses?
Moosii?Asking for a friend.
It’s me.
I’m American.
whenever i feel like i hate my job i remind myself that i could be a food taster for the emperor.
18: That dress makes you look like Minnie Mouse.
Me: Thank you.
No thanks, marriage. If I wanted to stop getting laid I would just start wearing crocs.
i have never needed anything in my life more than this
Russian skater just explained that he is “not a robot,” proving, of course, that he is a robot. #Olympics
“I don’t want a boyfriend.” -woman who wants a boyfriend who isn’t me
If you love someone, throw your earbuds at them. There’s a good chance they’ll be entangled in them and won’t be able to run.
What’s it like to have 5 kids? Imagine the noise at a Jamba Juice and none of the blenders have lids.
This gratitude journal looks a lot like a grocery list.
Looking at a guy in great shape: 🔥🔥
Looking at a girl in great shape: 😍😍
Looking at workout equipment: 😐
Husband: wanna have a quickie?
Me: As opposed to what?
[sitting around a bonfire]
Friend: This is so peaceful
My wife watching me slowly pull out a harmonica from the top pocket of my shirt, “No.”
Guys don’t want sex, guys want to watch a thousand movies starring Jason Statham as a former elite special forces assassin who’s trying to leave his past behind but is called back for one last job
On a road trip passing a billboard that says live girls dancing daily.
My daughter’s voice from the backseat, “wow, that’s a lot of recitals.”
“Forgive me, I’m a terrible flort”
“Don’t you mean flirt?”
*starts florting*
“OMFG. WTF is that?!”
CNN: Trump removes screaming baby from rally
Fox News: Trump rally interrupted by another unruly, entitled protestor who still lives at home
*puts stethoscope up to chest*
Dr: I dont hear..U don’t have a heart Karen
“Did my ex Kyle put u up to this?”
*Im in the bushes giggling*
Yelling at the kids to get ready for bed 35 minutes after I already put them to bed is how I function on cold medicine.
The average human now spends 1.5 years of their life waiting for dumb post-credits scenes.
Someday, I wish Twitter will come up with a new & useful feature for once, like a sarcasm indicator for the ones who never get it.
TEACHER: what do you want to be when you grow up
ME: vindicated
Protip: If your wife says don’t put your oversized grilling spatula and tongs in the dishwasher, just hand wash them, she means right then.
*Tries to warm up car*
Car: I have a boyfriend
Some days I feel like my life is going super well, & then I get my hair caught in my umbrella.
And also my car door.
My youngest once got ahold of the scissors and gave herself a haircut. It wasn’t bad. So now every 6 weeks we casually leave them out.
I CALL BULLSHIT
Let’s hear some tropes in TV/movies that are complete bullshit. I’ll start:
Dude making dinner produces a gourmet-looking dish, has a neatly folded hand towel thrown over his shoulder, and is wearing an *immaculate* white dress shirt. BULLSHIT!