– dinner –
Kid 1: finishes in 18.4 seconds
Kid 2: finishes in 34.7 seconds
Kid 3: finishes in 5 hours 29 minutes
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My daughter has an ice skating date with her boyfriend tonight. So I’ll be the guy skating behind two 12 year olds carrying a shotgun.
Every day, I win arguments from 10 years ago in the shower.
I want the confidence of my 3yo while taking a giant drink of straight lime juice after I’ve been yelling at her for 2 mins that she will not like it.
Probably the worst thing about pyramid schemes is how they make you advertise to all your friends and family that you are part of a pyramid scheme.
Fantasy football is just Dungeons and Dragons for the people who used to beat up the people who played Dungeons and Dragons.
[on way to play charades with gf’s family]
I don’t wanna go
why
I don’t wanna look silly
you won’t
*first thing I have to act out is pasta*
Exactly when in American history did Americans stop having British accents?
Everyone stop over reacting!
There was no Earthquake….
I slipped in the shower, these things happen…
Murderer: What are you in for?
Her: Licking ice cream.
Murderer: That had better be a euphemism.
“Do you want the latest dirt?”
-No, but I appreciate the sediment.
AHHHHHHHH HONEY COME QUICK THERE’S A RAT IN THE SHOwer oh uh never mind, it’s just my hair in the drain
I love going to the gym this time of year because I’m a perfect example of what years of neglect and nachos can do to a body.
Before marriage: fantasizes spending life together.
After marriage: fantasizes spending life insurance alone.
Dumbledore: the mirror of erised shows your deepest desires.
Harry: *tearing up* i’m with my mom
Snape: omg same
Give a girl a fish & she’s like “are u retarded?” Teach a girl to fish & she’s all “i only invited u to my party cause our moms are friends”
As a rule, if the number of genders allowed to drive in your country is less than two, you live in an awful country.
Job interviewer: In the beginning, you’ll be earning $20 000, later on that can increase to $40 000. Me: OK, I’ll come again later then.
Tea without sugar isn’t “unsweetened tea”.
It’s. Just. Tea.
Guys, if you waste the opportunity to sing Taylor Swift’s “Shake It Off” to other fellas at the urinals, you might as well just use a stall.
While staying at hotels, I always ask for the oil stained parking lot view
I come from a long line of successful people.
I decided to stop that tradition.
After dinner the other husbands and I retire to the garage and silently take turns climbing my new ladder.
I ordered one of those Tempura mattresses. Way too crunchy.
Would you rather get paid $1,000,000 right now or pay somebody $10 a day to wake you up by punching you in the face?
I’ll take Option B. It keeps you motivated to go out and EARN. That’s the hustler mentality
“Miss me yet?” – 2019
[first day as a pilot]
This is your captain speaking, in the event of cabin failure, oxygen masks will drop from the ceiling and untangling them will annoy you before you die.
I didn’t know when your wedding was because you spelled out the date and time like a goddamn medieval sorcerer.
If Ariana Grande made a lot of money selling designer chokers her song would have been called Thank U, Necks
Me: I grew a beard once & It actually looked just like yours.
Him: Why’d you shave it off?
Me: I just told you…
Sometimes I think about Adam and Eve and how they couldn’t even get a babysitter.