I woke up with tons of motivation to go back to sleep.
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If I wake up at 4:30, I’ll have 2 uninterrupted hours to exercise, clean and make a healthy breakfast.
*sets alarm for 6:30*
Sorry I’m late, there was a dad yelling at his teenage son for buying $90 jeans and I had to hear every word of it.
I bet when you invited me to Thanksgiving dinner you didn’t think I’d stay this long.
spiraling out of control, anyone need anything?
These teenagers down at the skate park will boost my self-esteem.
Just yelled “out of my way monsters!” at a flock of seagulls, so I’m done interacting socially for the day
Imagine if every Sunday all your friends decided to only speak in a foreign language. That’s how I feel during football season.
STARBUCKS BARISTA: I got a latte here for *squinting* Catheter Zebra Jokes?
CATHERINE ZETA-JONES: *sigh* That’s gotta be mine—
CATHETER ZEBRA JOKES: Hey not so fast, lady.
Kids have it rough these days. Alexa wasn’t responding to my son , so he had to change the volume on his commercial-free, on-demand show by physically pressing buttons on the remote control.
Please has anyone figured out what we should be doing while people are singing happy birthday to us?
A picture so sexy my computer just covered my eyes.
Me [pitching a book idea]: It’s a create your own adventure book. But instead of an adventure you are actually making choices which will determine what you should have for dinner. Fights over dinner will be eliminated.
Him: So all paths lead to ordering pizza?
Me: Obviously.
Throw me to the wolves and they’ll come back with cute names, little sweaters & an affinity for baby talk.
At the end of the day, it doesn’t matter how many bowling pins you knock down, but whether or not you got a better score than the children playing in the lane next to you.
It’s not easy sitting around all day doing nothing. It’s hard to know whether or not you’re done.
The Golden Globe goes to…
Burrito
… for best actor in a microwave, with a convincing performance of taking longer than necessary.
We Didn’t Start the Fire is a great song for many reasons, but one of the most underrated is, like all great history projects, it starts off super detailed & thorough until you realize it’s due the next day & you end up condensing 1963-1989 into like two stanzas
[drunk text] God I miss you so much. Why can’t we go back to how things were?
OBAMA: How did you get this number?
[Mom]: My son’s voice is changing
[Dr.]: Thats normal at his age
[Mom]: This is normal?
*fax machine noises are coming from the kid’s mouth*
I thought I was getting myself a new couch but apparently I was getting my dog a new bed
My husband said I use a lot of makeup, so I showed him some makeup tutorials on tiktok and I don’t think he’ll be making that mistake again.
Ate my wife’s chocolates & said they were coffee flavored because she doesn’t like those but guess what guys they weren’t coffee flavored.
My autocorrect just changed “I’m off” to “I’m DTF” and changed a casual conversation with my boss into an H.R meeting.
me *choking on a piece of popcorn*
cat: Finally
Maybe dogs tilt their heads at us because they can’t roll their eyes.
safari guide: please keep your arms inside the vehicle
me: [a lion has my arm already] call a doctor
I hate when I think there’s an open parking space and then I have to run over a motorcycle.
Yes I wore a $900 fuchsia southern belle dress to your kid’s baptism. When I was your bridesmaid, you said I could always wear it again.
My kid : mum lets buy something we can play together – skipping rope?
Me *buys snakes and ladders board game*