“Can I be completely honest with you?”
— someone about to piss me off
You Might Also Like
all toddlers look the same when telling a story
Therapist: What is your greatest fear
Me: That Daniel Day Lewis could be playing the role of any person in my life
Therapist: *starts shifting very uncomfortably*
Friend: I’m surprised to see you eating a salad.
Me: *empties bag of chocolate chips over it*
SECURITY GUARD: [speaking into the cuff of his shirt] The president is on his way to the car
LITTLE MOUSE THAT LIVES IN HIS SLEEVE: Ok cool
Sure I’m stable, but like in the way a flatline is stable
My friend’s girl broke up with him because she didn’t like his pet lizard.
I knew she didn’t like him from the gecko.
Roses are red
Let’s get some fresh air
Make love in the moonlight
Have a pregnancy scare
Things Ted Cruz and I have in common:
1. Love butter
2. Shy eyes
3. Resurrected from the grave during satanic bloodmoon ritual
4. Brown hair
Don’t let people tell you that you can’t give up. You totally can. I do it all the time.
*releases swarm of killer wasps*
– ATTACK!
*wasps fly off harmlessly in all directions*
– Hmm… time for plan bee
Heard rumors that a coworker slept her way to a promotion. Damn, if the bosses only saw how much I sleep at my desk I’d own this place.
I’m not like all those other girls
*regurgitates a seagull*
date: what do u do
me: well u know big bird
date: omg. u play him
me: no *places a crossbow on the table* i hunt him
Oh, the other kind of staff meeting.
*Gets dressed.
I was once a bookseller. A woman came in asking for Tea at the Savoy by Oscar Wilde. I couldn’t find it listed. She insisted.
I kept not finding it. She got angrier.
I asked again, “Are you sure it’s by Wilde?”
Irate, she said, “YES. He was on the Today Show this morning.”
😑
“Alice, Barbara, Carol, Diane…”
– me, when my doctor suggested I put my affairs in order
Forget carrying me to bed; carry me to the end of the workweek. Then we can talk
Coworker: You look angry.
Me: I’m not.
CW: Really angry.
Me: THIS IS MY NORMAL FACE
Me: how d’ya like them apples?
Dr: *hisses and retreats into the shadows*
I cleaned the outside of our stainless steel refrigerator, and now we can never touch it again.
This staff meeting could have been a haiku.
I always cary a clump of my hair in my pocket so when people say, “I like your haircut”, I can respond with, “Thanks. Here, have some.”
I don’t care if you used to be the village bicycle…
All that matters is that you’re my bicycle now.
~inspirational tweet
Mrs. Cinnamon Toast Crunch is about to eat her family and honestly I get it
It’s not a War on Christmas til the first 12 foot skeleton is spotted choking out an inflatable Santa, you weirdos
I cannot imagine being as bored as the first person to poach an egg
If Ann Coulter is tweeting then who’s guarding Azkaban?
It’s not too spicy I just don’t think I like the flavor.
-Rival Dads when something is definitely too spicy for them.
Him: I love birds.
Me: [trying to impress]
*smacks face into nearest window*
All I’m saying is that I’ve chaperoned a 25 student class field trip and you’re definitely in trouble if you lose even one of them.