I just listened to an great session on “Designers and Gyaan” hosted by @dharmeshba. It provokes a lot of good questions. I can’t help but contrast this with academia. In academia, I get the teaching/speaking opportunities based on how well I “publish.” Many professionals, 1/n
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Me: I absolutely cannot take a cop in shorts seriously.
Him: Sorry ma’am but I’m still going to have to ask you to come with me.
Me: Haha OK
Apparently, if you scream into a pillow at Target you have to buy it.
6yo: Mommy, I hope you don’t have the doctor cut your belly open to get the baby out.
4yo: Yeah, hopefully they just do the way where they squeeze it out.
Me: I’m not sure either of you really understands how labor and delivery works.
Hundreds of creepy clowns terrorizing people across multiple states. On the bright side, they can all be picked up in one police car.
Me: Say that word I like
Him: Pajamas?
i got you a candy necklace for a present but then something happened so i got you this string instead
My kid keeps talking about his preschool “road trip” and I’m not sure a visit to an apple orchard has ever been described in that way
My neighbor told me his son watched “Cujo” for the first time.
Guess who’s putting shaving cream around the dogs mouth tomorrow?
Used ACME paint on an accent wall and now there’s a highway running through my living room.
SOCRATES: The only thing I know is that I know nothing.
ME: Aw, hey, don’t say that. You know things.
SOCRATES: No, I meant—
ME: If you want I can teach you some stuff.
SOCRATES:
ME:
SOCRATES:
ME: *Points* That’s a tree.
What is going on here?
Is Rudolph using a magnifying glass to turn his nose into a raygun?
And who is the reindeer brandishing the cane?
Cop: Whatever you say will be held against you.
Me: TEDDYBEARS
Cop: Aww.
As the fridge door was about to shut, I grabbed pizza & barely got my arm out before it closed.
*Legally changes name to Indiana Jones*
Imagine a bunch of Italian mobsters tiptoeing and trying not to giggle as they gingerly place a horse head in bed with a sleeping guy.
I feel like having your carriage robbed at swordpoint by a dashing rogue who takes your ring (but you know he’s intrigued by you and will return it later in some intimate way, so you don’t protest TOO much) is a vastly superior method of meeting men as opposed to online dating.
[Driving w/date in car]
Date [turns radio to country]
Me [reaches over date, opens passenger door] This isn’t working. [Hits eject button]
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this was the best i’ve ever seen
All movies about zombies are Easter movies because of resurrection.
Me: So tired
Brain: IKR!! But wait, who organised the alphabet…
M: Please don’t
B: N how do we know it’s not actually disorganized?
Doctor: are you sexually active?
Me: why, what have you heard?
OPTICIAN: Do you wear contacts?
ME: *showing my cell phone* No, I keep them on here.
You’re not officially a teacher unless someone you live with has told you that they’re not one of the children in your class and you can’t speak to them like that.
This is the huge spider that I killed inside my shirt by slapping my side while driving my kid to school. So, yea, I’d call it a win win.
[kissing at a bar]
HER: wanna get out of here?
ME: (glances over at the menu and sees they have potato skins) not really
It’s always the same old story. I meet a woman, things are going great, then my puppet starts screaming
Dog Teacher: did you finish your homework
Dog Student: (still chewing) almost
“What do you know about atoms?”
“Very little.”
“Besides that.”
ATTENTION MEN: STOP BUYING YOUR GIRLFRIEND FLOWERS AND PERFUME FOR VALENTINE’S DAY AND GET HER WHAT SHE REALLY WANTS. A SWORD
to the scum photoshopping bandanas on my wedding photos, STOP. my wife has a bad memory & is in tears, she thinks she married a bandana guy