After three hours with the kids my husband asked me to put him in time out and I was like: Hell no! it’s my turn
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I like to pack a healthy lunch for work so that by 3 p.m. I’m ready to do unspeakable things for a piece of chocolate.
Not willing to admit he made a wrong turn, Dad threw Tic Tacs out the car window to little kids watching the parade from the curb.
I’m like Pooh bear. I just want to eat, hang with my homies, and go around pantsless
put ur hair in a man-bun. now put ur beard in a man-bun too. congratulations ur now a hamburger. be free, hamburger man.
“I wondered if I could use a study room that’s private and out of the line of sight where nobody can see or hear what I’m doing in there.”
“Well, since you put it that way, absolutely not.”
[inventing allergies]
god: make them feel like shit
angel: from what
god: outside
Ever wondered why newborn’s clothes have pockets? They’re for their teeny tiny notepad & pen, so they can write down everything you’re doing wrong as a parent.
The gal in front of me on this flight didn’t enjoy me stroking her forehead after she reclined into my lap. Thought we were having a moment.
I got a raw meat sandwich that I really don’t like so I swallowed it completely.
I save my pooping for when I’m at work so I can say “I can’t believe I get paid for this shit!”
dog: *snickers*
priest: *sighs*
GOD: Eyelashes
ANGEL: What do they do?
GOD: Protect eyes
ANGEL: And?
GOD: Get into people’s eyes. It’s extremely painful.
ANGEL: Are you ok?
Why isn’t a menu board at a coffee house called JavaScript?
5: wow, you look so pretty
Me: thank yo—
5: with your sunglasses on
Me: am I pretty without them?
*UNCOMFORTABLY LONG PAUSE*
5: sure
My kid asking me to put on some terrible youtube channel
My phone told me my screen time was up 82% last week and honestly nobody asked you
While you’re thinking what to wear, I’m thinking how to take it off.
Due to personal reasons, I’ll only act surprised by the same information 7 times tops
I don’t know how to be single. Today I saw a woman eating alone so I decided to sit next to her and introduce myself. She immediately started screaming at me like a crazy person and told me to get out of her car.
Friend: How do you keep ending up in these situations?!
Me: *slowly pokes head out of dumpster*
Boss: You’re looking a little scruffy lately, you need a trim.
Me: Sorry, I don’t shave too often because of the razor burn.
(later, shaving)
Razor: LOL you call that a beard? My grandma has more chin hair than that, you suck!
Guys! I finally dusted my bedroom! And guess what? I HAVE A NIGHTSTAND!!!
How’s the parenting going over here?
My youngest just told my oldest to “GET IN THE DAMN CAR!”
(Date)
“What’s wrong?”
Oh nothing I’m just a nervous hummer
“Aw how cute!!”
*perfectly hums the entire Jurassic Park theme at full volume*
It’s bullshit that dogs get their own heaven but we humans have to go to the same heaven as moths and tractors
My children wanted to play airplane rides and are very upset because I told them my flight is fully booked
What do electric cars and diarrhea have in common.
The fear of not making it home.
#RubbishJokes
#WednesdayThought
Most dead bodies are found by dog walkers or joggers.
Working theory: Dog walkers and joggers are serial killers.
Did you hear about the cheese factory that exploded? There was nothing left but de brie
Stop writing so much funny shit, people. I’ve been dishing out stars today like a first grade teacher on meth.