Each day is a gift.
Except for Mondays. Mondays are more of a white elephant.
You Might Also Like
*Asteroid is hurtling toward Earth*
ESPN Broadcaster: This asteroid could have an enormous impact on the playoffs.
I haven’t been drinking.
I know what day it is.
I didn’t lose my pants.
This might be my car.
I know how to drive.-Lies I’ve told to cops.
If I were a cashier I’d pretend people were waiting in line to kiss me.
I’ve been “watching my weight” and, rest assured, it’s still there.
Me: I had a bad upbringing & now I’m worried I’ll be a terrible father
Therapist: how many kids do you have?
Me: like 3 I think
“There’s no I in TEAM,” he yells. “There’s no COACH in LOCKER ROOM,” I respond. He leaves in stunned silence, and is never seen again.
If a car depreciates as soon as you drive it off the lot then shouldn’t the price go down when you return from a test drive?
Weird, started flirting in this bar and for some reason 4 guys just killed themselves.
mom: how was the ballgame
me: they showed sex on tv
mom: what?
dad: he means the kiss cam
me: haha no *crossing out line in notebook* that’s for sure different than sex and I knew that
Apparently, “I understand why some animals eat their young,” is not a socially acceptable answer when someone asks you how you’re doing. Whatever.
When a hot chick puts a pen in her mouth, all kinds of weird shit goes through my mind. Like:
-How’s her penmanship?
-Can she do my taxes?
Hey boy, are you a software update because not now
when my boyfriend is home i eat three square meals a day and when he is gone i creep into the kitchen for a handful of dry cereal or a pickle every two hours like a tiny rat in a bodega in bedstuy
Snowboarding in Japan hits differently.
People who camp are like, “But camping is so much fun!” and then tell you a story about how they had to fight a raccoon at 2 AM.
[ first date ]
her: i like a man who plans financially for the future
me: i swallowed $9.13 this morning that i won’t be able to spend until later
REPORTER: how does it feel that ur tweet got like 0 favs?
ME: it made me laugh so I dont think its so bad
R: how does it feel 2 be wrong tho
[googling recipes for success and checking the cupboard]
well I hope it calls for a 3 yr old bag of marshmallows
Just reported my neighbors to Belgian authorities because they have a dog named Waffle.
Top 5 things to ditch in 2017
5. Debt
4. People you don’t like
3. Facebook
2. Drama
1. The bodies
The way my kids use toothpaste they’ll never have a cavity in their bathroom sink
THE INVENTOR OF CRYING: what if I told you that there was something you could do at both weddings and funerals
My friend’s getting rich by selling photos of koi in clothes. He says it’s as easy as shooting fish in apparel.
Interviewer: where do you see yourself in 5 years
Me: punching a goose in its mouth
Interviewer: you know actually we’ve already filled the position
Me: *clenches fist* was it a goose
I remember when “Something’s eating up data.” meant that guy from Star Trek was deeply troubled.
My ex-wife could’ve pushed Gandhi to violence.
Never understood when the movie rating says “May contain nudity.” Are there people on the ratings board who aren’t sure if they just saw someone naked?
Him: I like powerful women.
Me: Gotcha.
*dresses up as a rhino*
We don’t know what’s in the vaccine. Could be anything. Microchips? Sure. Toxins? Maybe. Predatory birds? Definitely. This is all a plot to fill us full of falcons because the CDC is in the pocket of Big Talon.
“Hindsight is 2020” will be a literal phrase when future generations want a guide of what not to do