[1994]
dad: are you looking forward to Christmas
me: yes, i cant wait!!
dad: cool *slipping off wedding ring* how’d you like two of them?
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[doorbell]
“Sir, do you believe Jesus died for your sins?”
“No.”
“Why not?”
“He died like 2000 years ago.”
“So?”
“I’m 46. Do the math.”
I’m literally typing this from atop a giraffe in Ghana. Her name is Coriander & we love each other.
– Adele’s baby starts to cry
– Adele sings the baby a lullaby
– baby cries more, but now for different reasons
I should have known I was in for a rough afternoon when my child described her drink as “too soggy.”
Surprise your boyfriend with new boyfriend this valentine
Pro Tip: Always put your keys away in the last place you’d look, then look there first.
If a 4-year-old says, “I’m scared there’s a monster living under my bed” Don’t reply, “Oh, that’s where he’s been hiding.”
I know that now.
my youngest started kindergarten today and I cried but mostly for his teachers
me: I’m going to the store to get bread
wife: if they have eggs, buy a dozen
[later]
wife: did they have eggs?
me: *carrying 12 loaves of bread* yes
5 year old: can we just have dessert for dinner tonight? I’m asking you first because you make great decisions.
I wish my wife’s milkshakes brought the boys to the yard. I need someone to rake the leaves.
remember the olden days when ambulances didnt have sirens and the doctors inside it had to make the sounds with their mouth’s
I need a treadmill with a reward system.
Run 10k, here’s a pizza.
Owls are just nocturnal pug birds
Give a man a fish & he’ll eat for a day. give a fish a man & you appease the Fish-lord who’s terrorized coastal communities.But at what cost
Southerners don’t use contractions like “y’all” and “young’n” out of laziness. Most of us are just too poor to afford entire words.
Ladies. Even the most mundane chore is better in a Princess Leia costume.
what if pizza rolls grew into full size pizzas when u put them in water like those dinosaur bath toys
Using the phrase “what doesn’t kill you makes you stronger,” only shows that you’re unoriginal and know nothing about spinal cord injuries.
Don’t get upset if you hit a lot of red lights on your way to work. You’d turn red too if you had to change in the middle of the street.
Where do I see myself in five years? *kicks feet up on desk* Sir, does my resumé list “psychics abilities” under skills? No. Next question.
My 3yo came home saying he learned how to sit “criss cross pizza sauce” and I just want to know when they changed it from “applesauce”.
“Either shave your legs or kiss me”
I’m rubber. You’re glue.
I don’t conduct low voltage electricity. You’re great for arts & crafts.
My rap name is Weapons of Mass Destruction because you go in thinking I’m going to destroy you but it turns out I’ve got absolutely nothing.
“Donald Trump is feuding with the Pope” is like the 7th Onion headline that’s become real life in this election season
If someone invites you to their large country house with lands, say thanks.
Because manors.
i’m taking care of a guys owl next week and he just sent me this list of rules. what the hell
The auto parts store is like ‘get our free app’ as if I’m buying parts everyday. I only need this one thing.
psa: don’t ruin the thanksgiving meal by bringing up politics. ruin the meal by telling your family you don’t know half of them half as well as you should like and like less than half of them half as well as they deserve then vanishing while they try to figure out what you meant