I rinsed a big spider down my kitchen sink and then I put coffee grounds down. Now I’m worried a caffeine-fueled arachnid is going to leap out and come after me.
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I have a lot of disdain for anyone in the top 1% who hasn’t become Batman.
I’ve never met a pizza I didn’t want to get personal with.
Not saying dogs are better than kids in every aspect; but good luck finding a kid willing to lick up his own vomit.
Overheard in 2nd grade class today:
“Do your work! Santa’s watching right now.”
“Yeah, my mom told me that ship has sailed for me long ago.”
How do you ask a friend if she’s a human-reptile hybrid, but as a compliment? She never sweats and that’s for sure a third eyelid.
Things books give you unrealistic expectations for:
-mysteriously inheriting from a stranger
-solving murders with zero actual training
-anything romantic ever
Asian gangs, also known as study groups..
Twitter is like 192 million people screaming “Mom watch me jump in the pool”
If a party with all dudes is called a “sausage fest”, I request that we start calling all girl parties “taco time”.
Dogs make everything better, unless you’re making a bed.
Sorry I typed “Lucky escape!” instead of “I’m so sorry your wedding has been cancelled.”
My mom spent so much of our trip saying “your generation doesn’t read” she didn’t get to touch her book
[ Playing with Ouija board ]
Ouija board: I have a boyfriend.
If you’re having a bad day , just remember …
All of you are funnier than Dane Cook .
Don’t ask me for advice I still don’t understand what a 3D printer is.
I’m sorry Mr. Simmons. I really enjoy babysitting little Timmy, but I’m only 14. I need real money, not bitcoin.
You think you have it rough? I’m playing hangman with a 6yo who can’t spell.
store clerk: can I help you find anything
me: yes *hands over where’s waldo book*
Horoscope: Slightly fatter than you were yesterday
Me: No glove no love.
Gyno: Please don’t make another pap uncomfortable.
She just offered me a “1/4 caffeinated coffee.”
I told her I’d have eight, please.
date: i love that you know about plots of land
me: thanks that means a lot
Invited my girlfriend to a charity bbq where they’re roasting a whole pig and when she asked ‘what’s the charity’ I said it was for the pig’s family.
I was not prepared for how terrifying this Invasion of the Body Snatchers remake would be.
[family brunch]
Sister: We’d love you to be our daughter’s godmother.
Me: No thank you. Please pass the syrup.
*Adds brown food coloring to hot water*
Me serving decaf
Txt from wife: where r u
Me:kitchen
Wife:can u feed cat
M: I mean garage
W:bring in laundry
M:bathroom
W:clean toilet
M: Idaho
W:get potatos
ME[David Attenborough voice] Starting with the outer layers he’ll devour the entire carcass
HER: are you narrating yourself eating lasagna?