really hoping a cop doesnt wander into my room and sees me googling “how to do a hit and run 2021” out of context
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not to brag, but mine was free
me: I quit, here’s my badge and gun
head lifeguard: your what
My friend reckons he’s going to make a fortune flying people about in his invisible aeroplane. I can’t see it taking off.
I was craving BBQ for dinner but my wife ordered Chinese. She showed a wonton disregard for my feelings.
Thinking of opening a new deli in India but I have no idea what to call it.
Programming Skills: PRIMARILY RUBY AND PYTHON BUT I CAN USE ANY TYPE OF GEM TO CONTROL ANY TYPE OF SNAKE
waiter: any allergies i should know about?
me: uh, peanuts?
waiter: [disappointed] aw i already know that one.
When I die, please scatter my ashes over my iPhone, computer and TV, because I want to be left to my own devices.
no one:
coworker at a part time job you’ve known for one calendar day: so remember when I told you about that guy I’ve been texting Brian well anyway I hooked up with his roommate just to see what he’d do and lemme just read you this text I got from him just now ok so he goes,
My daughter made such a cute little doll of me. It even has my real hair. She has it surrounded by some candles, and she’s giving it acupuncture to help the sharp pain in my side go away.
A search party sounds like a fun way to look for someone.
Tomi Lahren is pretty confident for a person whose first and last names are both misspelled
*on blind date*
Her: you wore pajama pants on a first date?
Me: wtf? I thought you were blind!
My son just literally ran into a trash can, then got up and walked around it to put his empty snack wrapper in my hand, if you’re wondering what it’s like to be a mom.
Done with work today.
The work day isn’t over, I’m just done with it
When I was growing up I always loved making sandcastles with my grandmother, at least until mom started hiding the urn.
A large group of other people’s children is called a “Nope”.
I’m giving dirty looks to this dad at the cafe whose kid is being obnoxious but he’s not doing anything about it so I guess I’m going to have to deal with it because he’s my kid too or whatever.
[on a plane]
Captain: I have bad news
Passengers: *gasp*
Captain: the middle class is dying
Passengers: oh, that’s true
Captain: first class might survive
Passengers: what
Captain: *tries to land the plane backwards*
Pre-Having Daughters:
*Hates hearing “NO” from womenPost-Having Daughters:
*Teaches them “NO” in 167 different languages including Klingon
I went to the local art museum, I really enjoyed it and took lots of pictures.
But unfortunately I’m now banned until I bring them back.
My husband left me on read and it’s been 22 minutes.
If he wanted a divorce he could have just asked me like a rational human being.
*laughs all the way to the bank*
*cries all the way back*
Cheer up.
Reaction when you try to get out of plans but the person keeps rescheduling so you can make it.
Me: Sometimes I wish I wasn’t shy and introverted
Alcohol: I’VE GOT GREAT NEWS!
ever since i was young i knew i wanted to be on the computer
*writes ‘amount to something’ on bucket list*
*crosses it out*
*writes ‘mount something’*Yeah. That’s do-able.
Me: I played this as a kid. It’s from back when video games made sense
6-year-old: Why did you jump on a turtle?
Me: Because I’m a plumber
Zen master: Why are you still tweeting? The validation isn’t real.
Me: Neither are you.
Zen master: Oh bugger.