The houseplant died inside, so I threw it out, and now it’s growing in the driveway just to spite me.
You Might Also Like
Now that we’re divorcing,
I’m definitely not finishing that scarf I’ve been knitting you for nine years
Dating a guy with big hands is the best, at any time I can say “Babe, can you hold these 72 doll heads?”
And he can, he can hold them all.
So in The Matrix they feed you the liquified remains of the dead through a tube but you get to sleep and be online all day? I’m listening.
Just watched 3 people jogging outside and it has inspired me to get up and close the blinds.
I know I’m not alone but my biggest pet peeve is when one of the residents in my home yells from the kitchen to no one in particular (me), “ARE THE DISHES IN THE DISHWASHER CLEAN OR DIRTY?”
It turns out the line is longer for the home office bathroom.
All goalies should wear gorilla suits in the playoffs
I hate when you get hit by a car while walking down the street and texting and no one is in the car and it’s parked on the side of the road.
[trying to talk to girl]
Ha so you from around here?
“Ya”
Cool me too. I love planet earth
If you ever feel silly for being on Twitter just remember there are people on national television asking “ghosts” questions.
If you’re cremated, you can’t roll over in your grave. Do you swirl in your urn? What do you do? What. Do. You. Do?
Columbus: Do you know why I pulled you over?
Me: Well–
Columbus: *just yanks me out of my car and drives off in it*
He isn’t credited for it but John C. McGinley competed on American Gladiators. There is no point in sharing this other than it being cool as hell.
I’m listening
It was when he said no nunchucks in the kitchen that I knew our relationship was doomed
You miss 100% of the curbs you don’t take.
detective: there are hundreds of footprints at this crime scene
crooked centipede cop: [sweating] must have been a hundred murderers
GOD: Let’s give her ALL the awesome.
“But what if it’s TOO much awesome?”
GOD: Then we’ll divide it evenly between multiple personalities.
Me 5pm: Need to go easy on the booze tonight, have to function tomorrow.
Me 1am: *twerking in a Denny’s parking lot.
Someone taught my 3yo the phrase “what in tarnation” so now I know what it’s like raising an 18th century toddler with a potty mouth.
Me: It’s been a while since we’ve had to take one of the kids to the ER.
Trampoline: Hold my beer.
friend: why did you take up running?
me: *really wants to catch an ostrich* no reason
I’ve never seen a runner smiling.
So that’s all I need to know about that.
It’s none of your business where I live unless you wanna send me some money
10yo: How do you make a math book happy?
Me: IDK. How?
10yo: Solve the problems.
Someone give her a Dad Card. She’s ready.
Girlfriend is on her way over. Aaaaaaannd history deleted.
The three ages of bureaucrat:
Age 25: Why don’t I get to go to any meetings?
Age 35: I feel so validated by attending all these important meetings
Age 42: I will do anything legal to avoid godforsaken meetings
My tubes are tied. I didn’t even know they were competing.
hey pistachios how about taken the shells off we don’t want those sweetie
Ex bf: Would you give me a second chance for a Klondike bar?
Me: you can shove that square peg in your round hole.