if you ever need to teach me a lesson, there is no reason to send three ghosts. a single ghost will do. im not committed enough to any of my negative personality traits to be like “sorry but i’m gonna keep on stealing from walmart unless you make this a multi-ghost situation”
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These pit stains indicate I’ve put unrealistic expectations on my antiperspirant.
Me, for fun: What do you think you want to be when you grow up? Teacher, engineer, doctor, lawyer…
8, angrily: I have told you many times I WANT TO DELIVER PIZZA.
Me: Well, that’s considerably less stress. And tuition.
*Passive-aggressively skips through your selfies and only likes pics of your dog*
My 6yr old says she’s going to stay up until the New Year, NO MATTER WHAT. She just asked if it was midnight yet, it’s 7:05.
Dr: Read the chart for me please.
Me: Needs immediate psych evaluation?
Dr: Ma’am, I was talking about the eye chart.
Today I made a lot of people at work upset by eating my burrito wrong so I figured… Why not spread the joy 🙃
Me: it’s just a few spoonfuls of ice cream, why are you freaking out?
Him: that’s a ladle
Whoever invented the phrase “to cut a long story short…” sure as shit wasn’t 8 years old
[slams a leaf blower down on the counter at Home Depot] this hairdryer is too dangerous
is this meant to deter me
[interview for fireman]
“So why do you think you’re a good fireman?”
I lit the building on fire
“What?”
Now watch as I try to put it out
A GPS. But for where your story is going.
Thanks to smartphones, the toilet has been transformed from a place of quiet reflection to my remote business command center. I’m not avoiding work. I’m literally getting shit done.
I forgot the word for confessional booth so I said catholic shame box
HOW TO BE A LAWYER:
Witness: I saw your client do it.
Me: Allegedly.
W: No, I did.
M: Allegedly.
Judge: That’s argumentative.
M: Allegedly.
Morpheus: take the blue pill, the story ends. Take the red pill, I show you how deep the rabbit hole goes
Dog: (staring at gray pills) Crap
[After Big Jewel Heist]
“We did it! We got away! Everything went to plan”
ME(holding my grappling hook I didn’t get to use): Yea it was ok
we never drank water growing up i don’t even know how im alive right now
My 4yo went through my phone and confronted me like I cheated on her, “you took a lot of pictures of this baby…”
I’m going to start an aluminum recycling company called “Only Cans”.
Me: Please stop asking me a question every five seconds. I just want to sit on this couch and rest.
Therapist: Umm…you do know where you are, right?
Me: AGAIN with the questions!!
But what if it’s actually three trench coats disguised as a guy in a trench coat?
[getting interrogated]
good cop: we just want to understand what happenedbad cop: SPILL IT, PUNK
passive aggressive cop: seems like you could help us pretty easily but whatever, you do you, it’s what you do best
‘Vegetarians’ don’t eat meat. ‘Vegans’ also don’t eat eggs, milk or cheese. The final step is to just stand there +pretend to be a tree.
You kids and your fancy Google searches. This World Book Encyclopedia got me through all six years of high school.
Me: Come to my party. I’m making my “secret special punch.”
Her: You mean vodka & food coloring?
Me: Who told you my secret?!?
I started a funeral business with self-driving hearses, but they keep crashing into other cars.
Business is booming.
Hoping to get “till death do us part” reduced to a 15 year sentence and time served.
SPOUSE: Why is there a cow in the front yard?
ME: Remember how I really wanted a riding lawnmower, but we couldn’t afford one?
SPOUSE: Yeah.
ME: Well, for entirely unrelated reasons I stole a cow.
My daughter is playing “Away in a Manger” on the recorder if anyone wanna come over.