Today I got yelled at by a bird. I don’t even speak bird.
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My parents and teachers said I could be anything I wanted but I’m 28 now and I’m still not a hot Asian girl named Bang Bang 🙁
My bank balance is a gentle reminder that in a few years my twins will have to battle it out for one college place!
My dog barks for 2 reasons:
1. When somewhere in the world another dog is barking.
2. When somewhere in the world no other dog is barking.
I saw a woman I work with in line at the pharmacy and instinctively said “hey what are you here for?” She blushed and didn’t respond in case you’re wondering about my ability to create awkward situations
I don’t believe in marriage but I believe in monogamy.
Or mahogany? Anyway I think this table will hold us but be careful. It was grandma’s.
One good thing about virtual school is that my 11yo and I get to actually spend special moments together that we normally wouldn’t have time for like when I sat down next to him with my coffee and he said, “ew could you move that smell is literally making me wanna puke”.
[Ouija board starts shaking and screeching]
Me: hold on I gotta take this
Grandpa: Look at you, shivering and hiding under the covers like a four year old. It was just a ghost story, no different than the ones I always told.
Me: BUT YOU’VE BEEN DEAD FOR 41 YEARS!
I’ve been dieting for a little over a week and I already gained three pounds.
Therapist: were you bullied in school?
Me: no
Therapist: oh, did you have a different haircut in school?
Got excited because I found $20 in the laundry. Then I remembered my kids don’t have jobs and the money was probably mine.
Picture us, making love. Wrong. More cheese.
And The Bro saith unto them,
Follow me to the club,
and I will make you fishers of women.Bromans 4:19
ME: how did you get disbarred
ATTORNEY: i gave kittens to all the jurors
ME: *gasps* you mean
ATTORNEY: that’s right, i *adjusts sunglasses* committed purr jury
Waking up and having 3 hours before my alarm goes off: *sleeps*
Waking up and having 3 minutes before my alarm goes off: *SLEEPS FASTER*
I got my grandma an air fryer and she told me I can take it back to the store cause she uses oil in her house 😭😭
A teacher is always just one loud fart away from losing control of a classroom.
All I’m saying is you’ll never find cheese in a recipe for disaster.
If you’re wondering who the dumbest person in the world is, I put latte mug of tea in the microwave, but the mug was too tall, so I poured some tea out and tried to put the mug back in.
it’s giving duvet, it’s quiltcore, if the vibe was sleepy time she’s serving honk shoooo honk shoooo
Somehow names of kids have gotten more outrageous and names of pets have gotten way more normal. If my wife texts “Kyle was a problem today” I shouldn’t have to wonder if it’s another kid from preschool or my neighbor’s cat.
So I’m at the level in marriage where your spouse tries to kill you with a heart attack by yelling “kaboom” in the middle of the night while dreaming.
The year is 2087. We finally have flying cars. Grey’s Anatomy has been on for 82 years.
Bees always go straight for your Coke can because their Mom doesn’t let them have sugary drinks at home.
Me: one mcflurry please
Cashier: the machine is down
Me: awe then one for the machine too
A big shout out to my mother who can’t hear me otherwise.
I am tired of being a part of a major historical event
I try to explain to my kids during the movie that in reality, even a cowardly lion would eat a girl and a little dog.
Kid: “ my dad says you spy on people… “
Mark Zuckerberg: “ he’s not your dad”
I don’t pluck my unibrow to look good, I do it because McDonald’s sued me for illegal use of the double arches.