I hope the final frame of Breaking Bad is white text on black background: “None of this would have happened if we had Universal Healthcare.”
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Women say they want a guy who can make them laugh. I’d probably have done better if they’d specified that they didn’t mean by tickling.
Rethinking this whole Mastodon thing
putting some whiskey in my coffee cuz its ireland somewhere
*Flat-Earther discussing laying the foundations to his new house*
Building contractor: It’s going to take a few weeks to get the ground level.
Flat-Earther: *eyes narrow*
Do those “selfie sticks” retract, or do you just have to walk around like a doofus with a stick all day?
let me be very clear: i would rather attend a Pig’s wedding than attempt to sift through the dumpster you people have made out of my dm box,
Live by one rule: trust no one but yourself. But at the same time, can I borrow your car tomorrow night?
“what does your tattoo mean” i had money and nobody stopped me
I used to sing my daughter to sleep at night, which is probably why her first word was “Stop.”
Some say cheetahs are the fastest animal at 60 mph. Not true. Dogs have been clocked at 18,000 mph when the Soviets launched one into space.
Apparently when you donate blood, it has to be YOUR blood.
(Rushes to hospital)
Dr: Your mother is extremely critical.
Me: Don’t overreact doctor, she’s like that with everyone.
[in deep space]
Everyone: [in hypersleep]
Me: [wakes up every few hours to pee]
My mother doesn’t believe in expiration dates, she’s on day 3 of believing in food poisoning.
{yard full of boys}
*pointing at milkshakeExterminator: there’s your problem
[NASA March 1970]
Me: 13’s unlucky. What if something bad happens?
NASA: dude why would you say that out loud!?!
[NASA April 1970]
[everyone in the Apollo 13 Mission Control slowly turns to look at me]
My 17 year old son made his bed this morning so I texted him to make sure he was ok and not on drugs or something because as a parent you’re supposed to watch out for sudden, unusual behavior in your teens.
Marriage. Because your shitty day doesn’t have to end at work.
my kid has a friend over for the first time in more than a year and i overheard them say “i missed you,” and was moved with how emotionally open they were being until i walked in the room and saw they were playing battleship
date: what do u do
me: well u know big bird
date: omg. u play him
me: no *places a crossbow on the table* i hunt him
i have locked myself in the bathroom. do not ask me how it happened. because i don’t have that information. hopefully. my stuffed fren sebastian. has already called. the proper authorities
I’m at the Olympics, getting drunk. It’s great fun, but the American girls here sure don’t look like they do on twitter..
My washing machine is broken and the laundry is piled so much now, I’ve started to wear old Halloween costumes
We’ve been so worried about my 95-y-o grandmother at a retirement home in New Orleans and she called today to say they ran out of Tito’s vodka and could we ship her some.
“do u have protection” i feel around for my nightstand. i open the drawer and pull a wrapper out. tearing it open with my teeth i send taco bell sauce everywhere. oh no. wrong drawer. that was my sauce drawer. “im gonna tell my friends bout ur sauce drawer.” the night is ruined
[being introduced to a new coworker]
boss: this is ryan, he has 13 years of experience and comes from a very reputable company
me: *yelling from the back* WHAT HOGWARTS HOUSE IS HE
ryan: i don’t really see how that’s relev—
the entire office: *in unison* ravenclaw
Me: I don’t understand why no one takes me seriously.
Also me: *wearing Cheetos like walrus tusks*
If Thor is a woman, what’s next? Woman doctors? Woman lawyers? Woman mothers? When will it end?