Kate Middleton is 36 and just had her third royal baby.
I’m 36 and just had an almond I found in my sports bra.
Guess we’re both living the dream.
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My family has been giving each other the same eight gift bags since 1973.
Women across the Twitterverse get random nudity requests, and I? I get a request for a voice note of me blowing my nose.
My daughter has decided instead of drying off with bath towels, she prefers sheets, and I love her and promised to never stamp out her individuality, but no.
Surround yourself with people who want to give you money.
I’m still angry about those Oreo Thins. I’m here waiting for TripleStuf and QuadrupleStuf and they’re all “we went the other way with it.”
Me: AI, how many fingers am I holding up?
AI: 17.
“EVERYONE IS ENGAGED BUT YOU” – facebook
If you pretend you’re skimming you can straight up throw rocks at people.
the holes in my logic are there so it can breathe
[first day at pet store]
me: you want this boxed?
her: you can’t box a goldfish
me: [lacing up gloves] watch me
I got new neighbors today, I hope they like my music as much as the last 9 families did.
“Hey look, a corn maze!”
– me, drunk, about to get lost in a corn maze
I’ve discovered I can turn invisible, but it’s involuntary and only works on bartenders.
My 4 year old said he wants to go to JFK for some chicken. He won’t be majoring in history.
Me: Did you use my highlighter?
2-year-old:
Me:
2:
Me:
2: No.
Apparently she’s always been neon yellow.
I love picking out my wife’s panties except this isn’t my house and now some dudes are yelling for me to come downstairs with my hands up
Who decided that a clown popping suddenly out of a metal box would be a good toy for young children?
Okay, raise your hand if you put raisins in your oatmeal cookies.
Great. Now, make a fist with that hand & punch yourself in the face.
Doing LEGO with my son is like assisting during surgery.
6yo: Flat gray piece.
Me: Here.
6: 5 square red blocks.
M: Here.
6: I said RED!
Now they’ll never find me…😂😏🐻
broke: live-action auditions where you have to do shit like “memorize sides” and “look like an actual person”
woke: voiceover auditions where you get to do shit like “never have to leave your home” and “record in the nude”
You undercook one turkey, and suddenly Thanksgiving can’t be at your house anymore.
-me giving holiday hosting advice
Tide Pods? When I was a kid we ate normal things like dog biscuits.
Date: You haven’t dated in awhile?
Me: [Wearing Hulk Hands struggling with a burrito] Why do you say that?
I vacuumed up a huge spiderweb & then heard a thump in the workout room.
The spiders are lifting weights before they attack me aren’t they?
The initials of the Sri Lankan players read like DOS commands. MKDIR, CHKDSK.
My tiny son awoke with this thought, “Mommy, my dream was glitching. Why my dream was glitching?”
*scrolls Netflix for The Matrix
It’s time.
Santa read your DMs. The only thing you’re getting for Christmas is a prayer group on Facebook.
An unintentionally hysterical ad offering proof why ‘branding’ always needs a second pair of eyes.