I just listened to a guy try to pick up a girl buy using “I can climb ANY tree, I mean ANY tree” and I think dating may have changed a lot since I was in the game.
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Sorry your team lost. Maybe you should’ve told the players what to do more loudly from your recliner.
Seven Worst Crimes:
7. Theft
6. Over cooking a steak
5. Kidnapping
4. Assault
3. Buying cheap tequila
2. Murder
1. Inspirational tweeting
aladdin: i can show you the world
jasmine: no
aladdin: i can show you a cool bug
jasmine: ok
Me: Find a penny, pick it up and all day long you’ll have good luck!
Penny: Please put me down
I can’t wait to sleep in
My bladder: lmao
Our homeschooling curriculum includes: Honors Laundry and AP Vaccumming.
But that’s my emotional support bin of clothes that are too small for me now.
You want to make them feel welcome but not so much that they’d want to come back any time too soon.
Socialising is hard.
“Don’t let a hot date turn into a due date.”–my father’s actual sex talk with me when I was 13.
Not. Even. Joking.
bank website: you have one password attempt remaining before we kill your entire family
I respected tiger sharks a lot more after I realized how many hurdles tigers and sharks had to overcome to breed with each other.
[at grocery store]
me: no.
God: no.
brain: eat a coffee bean.
what does he know…
I get told that I’m salty, and my mirror tells me I’m mostly fat, so I guess love me since I’m basically bacon.
Me: A friend sent me a truly amazing gif the other day.
Husband: Oh really?
Me: Yeah, it was……
Husband: Oh gods, don’t say it……
Me: The gif that keeps on giving.
*Husband leaves room.
You’re so vain, you probably think me driving by your house 27 times at 2 a.m. wearing all black with binoculars is about you, don’t you.
8:00AM *starts peeling an egg*
4:00PM *finishes peeling an egg*
me: do you sell ducks?
him: yes, but they’re going quick
me: ok I’ll take one
[later]
duck: quick
me: I see
My dog wakes up at 4:30 every morning so he can take a nap by 6.
What concert costs 45 cents? 50 Cent featuring Nickelback
Why aren’t the people in old timey photos ever smiling? Because they were in constant danger of getting eaten by dinosaurs. READ A BOOK.
MARTY McFLY: Wait a minute, Doc. Are you telling me that you built a time machine… out of a Prius?
DOC BROWN: This car will repel women in any time period, Marty. We don’t want anyone accidentally hooking up with their mothers.
I’m the kind of mom who burns one side of the grilled cheese, serves it to her kid with the non-burned side up, and crosses her fingers.
100% per cent of survey respondents said: help us get out of this tall tree. we didn’t know this survey involved being stuck in a tree
if you’re in a bathroom & person in next stall sneezes, do you say bless you or just applaud like normal? need answer fast too late clapping
Come on guys, lemme back in the gang! I’m real good at crimes!
“No”
Why?
“YOU GOT ARRESTED BY A POLICE HORSE CARL HOW IS THAT EVEN POSSIBLE”
My Grandma saw all of your tweets about stepping on Legos & asked if any of you cream puffs have ever heard of a game called Jacks?
gross i hate the word moist! give me a wet cake. give me a wet, damp cupcake
What’s the name of that movie with that actor in which the guy does that thing with that other thing in that place during that time?
Am I fun? No. Interesting? No. Dateable? Yes. I’d place me late 20th century.