i made cheesy potato soup & my 5-year-old walked into the kitchen and told me it “stinks like a raccoon”
guys what if I accidentally brought home the wrong baby from the hospital because I don’t know if this one is mine
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so i told my boyfriend i was having my period and he said “Again?”
you know what, you’re right im going to cancel that monthly subscription
Apparently “What inning is it?” is not a valid Football related question. Sports are hard.
I was just about to have sex but then a gust of wind blew my condom into a labyrinth and like a fool I ran in to get it
I’d get in the back of their van if they told me they had a phone charger in it.
[camping]
Him: Did you eat the last s’more?
Me: No.
Him: You’re lying.
Me: How do you know?
Him: Your pants are literally on fire.
I only use balsamic vinegar made from the finest of ballsams.
Don’t text me that you’re gonna kick my ass, that lacks passion. Key it on the side of my truck.
Wouldn’t recommend it, but I’d admire you.
I just found out I have a half sister. It was the result of a magic trick gone really wrong.
My husband kissed me while I was sleeping before he left for work and I’m not saying I’m not sleeping beauty, but I may have woke up in a panic and elbowed him in the forehead
My mom announced her retirement yesterday, and her boss immediately started expressing concerns about all the tax penalties she’d incur by taking Social Security “early.”
And that’s how my mom found out everybody at work thought she was 15 years younger than her actual age.
The only downside is the realization that several people at work knew how old her children were, meaning a lot of people have been operating under the assumption she had a lot of kids in high school.
I’ve never been an actor before, but every Saturday I go to Costco and act interested about the food they’re selling so I can eat free samples for lunch.
Him: Parent-teacher night is next week.
Me: Will there be snacks?
Him: Does it really matter?
Me:
Him: *sighs* Yes.
Me: Okay. I’m in.
Never ‘boop’ a police officer on the nose when he pulls you over for speeding; I know this now.
ME: *holding my crying newborn son* There. There. I ALSO find myself very upsetting.
Cop: Do you know why I stopped you?
Me: *just ran a stop sign* Yes
Police radio: All units be advised: Dangerous suspect at large with the ability to read minds
Cop: *unsheathing his baton* Well well well
*pretends to get an urgent text so I can turn around after I notice I’m walking in the wrong direction*
I wrote: You’ll always have a place in my heart.
AC sent: You’ll always have a place in my hearse.Now “staying friends” seems unlikely.
S M O L
Did my noble deed today and got a few boxes of Girl Scout cookies. It wasn’t for me, it was for the organization of course.
Him: Shall we have sex?
Her: I want to wait til we’re married
Him: Ugh fine
Priest: Shall I continue?
I’m never sure what to do with my eyes when I’m at the dentist. Do I close them? Do I stare at his face? Do I look at the ceiling?
(Face painter at kid’s birthday party): …and what shall I paint on your face?
Me: Enthusiasm.
Y’all realise that you can play a joke on someone without it being April 1st? Like no one is monitoring this!
i would drive twenty miles away to save eight cents a gallon on gas which is why my wife is in charge of our household finances
Don’t act like you’ve never used a pair of binoculars to try to peer through another pair of binoculars.
“One should never name drop”
The Queen told me that
I didn’t know children could be old enough to eat $70 worth of sushi but still have to be told to flush the toilet after every use
There’s a brewery right next to my kid’s karate class. I propose we combine these two businesses — call it ‘Hops n Chops’.
Me: have i eaten refried beans right out of the can? yes. did i commit light treason in the 80s using my american express traveler’s checks? maybe. do i try to steal one thing every time i go to the grocery store? absolutely
judge: juror number four, you’re excused