I treat the Steam store like the fridge.
I keep opening it to look even though I know there’s nothing in there I want.
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Before they built this Trader Joe’s, there was just an empty field with wild shoppers politely blocking each other’s way
GOD: A snake that is also a cat lol
ANGEL: What
GOD: Cat snake lmao
Met Office warns snow could cut off rural communities from the rest of the UK, coming as huge relief to people living in rural communities.
Just broke a clothes hanger and now have seven years of bad outfits.
[Barber gets out a small mirror to show an owl the back of its head]
Owl: No I got it *rotates*
Owl: Wait where’d it- *rotates*
Owl: Ok help
If “she’ll be riding six white horses when she comes”, she’s probably a little more woman than I can handle.
Dear #Athiests
Evolution could never design and create a machine that consumes scraps and produces bacon
Phone: Unlock using Face ID.
Me: [looks at phone]
Phone: Ugh.
My friend went out with a guy who works at Trader Joe’s and when she mentioned she likes the new brookie caramel candy clusters he said he didn’t want to talk about work 😅
“When a girl says ‘Awww Thanks!’, it means she’s politely asking you to return to the friend zone that you just tried to escape from.”
Dear messed-up memory, please tell me where are my keys instead of reminding me that shit I did on May 08, 2002 at 09;13;54 PM.
Shake what your momma gave ya!
*shakes old decorative wreath*
(pine needles and holly berries go everywhere)
They really missed the ball when they named it Gotham City instead of Wayne’s World.
Why do I hear my husband encouraging our youngest to be a goalie? Is my anxiety not quite crippling enough for him?
My son keeps insisting that this kid at his daycare is stronger than me. It’s one of those silly arguments you get sucked into as a parent before you realize that a simple arm wrestling match with the three year old will prove your superiority beyond a shadow of a doubt.
Men are like buses, they won’t text me back.
I hate when ppl put group pics on tinder like how am I supposed to know which one’s Bret
Toddlers LOVE to help. Then they get older and are actually able to help… Which is when they start to roll their eyes and complain.
“Your optimism for the future makes me think you’re not paying attention.”
My mum: It’s a baby shower. Just write “congratulations”.
my Playstation got stolen… i have no one to console me.
[Hillbilly court]
Judge: Yer charged with theft. What were ya thinkin’?
Gary Ray: My wife wanted a mink stole so that’s what i done did
*watching Tom Cruise run on a hardwood floor in socks*
“Ooh, that IS risky.”
I didn’t have time to have my coffee before drop off this morning. Anyway. Hopefully I brought them to the right school.
Officer: do you know why I pulled you over
Me: the warrant probably
Officer: you have a broken- what
Me: what
I can always end an argument with my wife by undressing; presto, she has a headache and goes to bed.
Sometimes I’m just so exhausted I have to go to bed and scroll my phone for the next 2-3 hours
Christmas Warning:
Every guy dressed in red that asks you what you want while you sit on his lap, is not Santa.
I have just one word for beautiful women with questionable morals, poor decision making skills and an insatiable sex drive,
“Hi”.
Can’t you just live in the moment, Phil? Every time we kill a bison or light a fire you have to draw it in a cave with your fancy stick.
Conversation between my mom and my 12 year old brother. I am in tears.