A small toddler is the closest thing you can have to a Pokémon. It follows you around, you love it dearly, no one else can understand what it’s saying, and it is obedient only when it wants to be. The main difference is that training it to fight other toddlers is frowned upon
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*launders Kohls cash*
Bartender: What can I get you, gorgeous?
Me: The blood of all my enemies.
Bartender:
Me:
Bartender:
Me: Miller Light
My dandruff is so bad, I leaned over the fish tank. They thought it was feeding time.
this holiday season i simply wish for everyone to have the gift of happiness, like the extremely misplaced happiness of a high schooler who just graduated and thinks the hardest part of life is finally over
I take karate classes solely to fight off hobos who mistake my man bun for a delicious cinnamon roll
*chases cat around the house with a lint roller
Alanis: I’m ready for this knife fight!
*Pulls out 10000 spoons*
My daughter asked if we can just pretend she’s being well behaved and tbh I think it might be easier for both of us
Tomorrow’s goal is to double my water intake by having two sips.
[arrested in 1985]
COP: you get 1 call
ME: [dials one of 37 numbers from memory] Hi, I have bad news
[arrested in 2018]
COP: you get 1 call
ME: [trying to remember ANY number] I think there’s a 7 in it
I dig, you dig, we dig, he digs, she digs, they dig.
It’s not a beautiful poem, but it’s very deep.
Everytime a suburban white kid throws up a gang sign, an angel misses brunch.
why dont they ever have plagues of endangered animals, like a plague of panda bears. oh no our entire bamboo crop is gone haha
“Just make sure Nazis NEVER march with tiki torches. I’m trying to save Germany, not Gilligan’s Island.” — Hitler’s last words
‘Time to meet your maker’ I say, more in hope, as I unpack another box of IKEA furniture.
You can’t intimidate me; you’re not a hairbrush.
To be honest, given a few tries I think I could do brain surgery.
YO TWITTER PLEASE PLEASE HELP ME OUT. THIS IS MY DREAM AND WOULD BE BEYOND BLESSED IF YALL CAN HELP A DUDE OUT. RETWEET!!!
I love my new crockpot. Now we can wait longer to eat my horrible cooking.
[at the park with my husband and children]
Stranger: You have a beautiful family
Me: *thinking of my Sims* Yes, thank you, I’m very proud
Date: I like guys who are sensitive
Me *through mouthful of ice cream* this hurts my teeth
[NASA March 1970]
Me: 13’s unlucky. What if something bad happens?
NASA: dude why would you say that out loud!?!
[NASA April 1970]
[everyone in the Apollo 13 Mission Control slowly turns to look at me]
As a husband and father, it troubles me that prisoners are still being given time in solitary confinement when I would gladly pay for some.
Officer: You were speeding.
Me: I am trying to keep up with traffic.
O: There Is no traffic.
M: I am really far behind.
For someone who said “Correct me if I’m wrong…” you seemed genuinely surprised and upset when I did.
6: Mommy, why is that man wearing his baseball cap backwards?
Me: Because he was alive in the 1990s, sweetheart
living with roommates is fun because you get to learn what their parents think should be refrigerated
Hey everyone, my mom’s following me on Twitter now, so ixnay on all the eetstway about the ugsdray and exsay and acismray. Thanks
Guy pitching Stuart Little: So this family adopts a kid and the whole story is about the new kid learning what it is to have a family and be loved
Producer: That sounds beautiful
Guy: The new kid is also a rat
Him:You married?
Me:Aww You think I’m that pretty?
H:Ma’am just filling out your pape-
M:SO I’M UGLY?
H:I’ll tell the therapist to hurry