My toddler just said “Knock knock, who’s there” then slapped me in the face and said “it’s me”
Ok then.
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Sea lions are faster than humans on both land and sea, so if you face one in a triathlon, you really need to make up time on the cycling.
A movie where humans escape their fences and chase innocent, terrified dinosaurs.
If you say married people aren’t having sex, you have obviously never sat in a hotel bar & watched them pick up strangers.
Salad is the decaf of food.
COME TO ME JOURNALBOT
*Journalbot enters my study*
ok write this down: Polar bears are bear ghosts. “polargeists”
[very sad robot noises]
I find old cables in my house that I know I should throw out but then I’m like ‘nah I better keep that just incase someone comes round with a nokia n95 and needs to connect it to a fax machine’.
Me: i feel like we don’t communicate as well lately
Marriage Counselor: where’s your wife?
Me: shit I forgot to tell her about this
[I kneel down, pick up some dirt and let it run through my hand]
uh huh….
[I lick my finger and stick it in the air] hmm….
[I run my knuckles over some moss on a nearby tree]
unless i’m mistaken, it would seem that i’m outside
ME [first and last day working at Supercuts]: *styles everyone’s hair like Dog the Bounty Hunter*
CNN: do u want notifications for breaking news
ME: for like important stuff i guess
CNN: an Ohio woman just ate 37 McRibs
ME: i said impor-
CNN: using chopsticks
ME: she did what
PRINCE: Rapunzel, Rapunzel, let down your hair!
RAPUNZEL: (to hair) you’re really sweet but I think we should just be friends
I don’t have a favorite vampire. If you ask me, they all suck.
Him: I eat healthily
Me who has just learned the word ditto and can’t wait to use it: say something else
going ballistic. anyone need anything?
My husband & I finally have an afternoon away from the kids. And then our son texts the family group chat:
“So do we have super glue?”
Mint flavored condoms called condomints. Thanks for following.
Make sure to make eye contact with the hottest person in the room as you stuff a burrito into your mouth
I refuse to believe Marchioness of Cholmondeley is a legitimate title, and not just what would happen if I drank 5 glasses of wine and then tried to say Matthew Mcconaughey.
If you’re really not supposed to mix vodka with nail polish remover it should say so on the bottle
Gmail search is amazing. You can search something like “flight sacramento receipt 2023” and it will somehow manage to serve up literally every email in your inbox that isn’t the receipt for the flight you just took to Sacramento.
Always 🥴
Me: With a name like that, your parents must hate you.
Myparentsdislikeme: Hate is a strong word.
Never, ever ask a woman if she’s pregnant unless you see an actual baby being born. Even then, act surprised.
A drone, but for seeing which fast food drive-thrus have the shortest line
Piss me off in the grocery store and I’ll get in front of you in the checkout line and pay for a single tomato with a personal check.
[inventor of the piano]
Tables aren’t noisy enough.
Her: I’m having a dry party.
Me: Sorry, I’m busy.
Her: You don’t even know when.
Me: You don’t even know me.
my friends and all our dads listening to the laser tag employee give the instructions:
Tell me you get it…🤣
How is this not always the biggest story of the day?