[first day as a cashier]
*intercom* can I get a price check on…die john mustard.
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[leaves note on windshield after accidentally hitting your car]
DECEPTICONS DID THIS
Gotta be tough for the guy somewhere who has to say “yeah, she left me for Charles Manson.”
bartender asked if i wanted another beer & i said “no thank you, i have to pee soon & don’t like leaving an open beer” so one of the guys said “ain’t nobody gonna drink your beer”
…do men think the reason we don’t leave our drinks unattended is because someone will drink it??
Ensure longevity of life and prevent starvation by eating insects.
Thick flies save lives.
HER: You’ve run over my dog
ME: I’m so sorry
HER: You’re gonna have to replace him
ME: [imagines finally being called a good boy] yes please
“Never let ‘em see you sweat” is my motto when I go to the gym
I may have failed as a lifeguard in myriad ways, but don’t you dare say I wasn’t punctual.
if the second I text you back, you call me because you know I’m holding my phone, I will call the police.
Bears spend a bunch of time getting fat, sleep for a few months and then wake up skinny. Being a human is terrible.
Me: *shoots gun*
Cop: you’re under arrest for murdering a gun
If you lie down on the floor in McDonald’s you get to meet the manager
saw girl I have crush on with her new fiance at Ikea but you know what they say, when God closes a Stǿrås Innjørdën he opens a Főnstǝrviviǵ
Customer: can I get some bacon
Me: sure
Customer: can you make it fatty
Me: *holding back tears* bacon isn’t that hard to make
My grandparents had a Radio and had 9 kids; My parents had a TV and had 3 kids; and I have Twitter and I think the family ends here.
This pregnancy test confirmed my worst fear… I’m just fat.
Thanksgiving fact: Giblets are just Grandma speak for the gross stuff.
[pulled over]
Dog Cop: you ran a gray light
Dog Driver: but it was still gray when i went through the intersection
Dog Cop: no it was gray
Her: How was your day? GET OUT OF THE SHOWER!
Me: Pretty good, yours?
Her: I’ve had better, had worse too. WHY AREN’T YOU OUT YET?
Me: Same, same. LISTEN TO YOUR MOTHER AND GET OUT THE SHOWER! Wanna order pizza tonight?
Man: I was always afraid of dying alone, so…thanks for being with me
Parachute instructor: PULL THE CORD PULL THE CORD!
*presses lips against mic*
I wished I sanitized this first
If Snickers really wanted to satisfy me, it’d be like 8 inches long
If you see a porcupine in your yard, that’s my cat and we’re not done with our accupuncture session.
Sorry I said “You’ll do” instead of “I do” at our wedding.
Daughter: we’re both wearing vests again!
Me: that makes us vest friends!
Daughter: vest friends forever!
Me:
Daughter:
Me: HAHAHAHA!
Daughter: HAHAHAHA!
Wife: did you buy those just so you can make that joke with her?
Me: i’m invested in our relationship : )
Wife: please don’t
I look her in the eyes, kiss her delicately and shake my head
Me: somethings are worth fighting for
I slowly stand, catch my breath for a few seconds and start walking towards the buffet bar for the 10th time
I thought a man was in my house.
Turns out the air freshener had just squirted before I walked in.
Me: *Gets my kids the exact same thing to avoid arguments*
*argument ensues*
Thanks for a lovely evening, I had a great time. Sure, I’ll come in for a coffee. You have a lovely apartmeMY GOD that is a lot of Swastikas
In California, there’s just “pot” at the end of the rainbow.